2011 stocktake - a mixed but very full bag

It's time again to pause to remember, as the curtains will soon come down on the spectacular show that was 2011. For me this year, the running theme was "surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life" (Ps 23:6)

Don't know how I survived this year except by the preserving hand of a faithful God. It was certainly eventful and filled with many new experiences. Time for the flashbacks:

January - Fresh back from the trip to Singapore for 2 weddings and Christmas, and gearing up for wedding dress hunting. Pretty much every weekday night was spent researching, and every Saturday spent going around to extremely faraway places I wouldn't normally go to look for that perfect dress, enabling me to explore this great city in a little bit more detail. My journey took me down to Ebbsfleet in Kent, and to Finsbury Park in a Jewish neighbourhood, somewhere else up north, to the expensive Bond Street in Central London, and finally to Wimbledon, where I finally settled, and ended up going quite a few more times. A pity this was mostly done alone. At work, I experienced my first round of retrenchments, and lost my line manager.

February - Night classes for CFA started in earnest. Counting on myself to study on my own accord was a non-starter; going for classes twice a week was tough enough, save for the fact that I could leave work at 5.55pm to make the sprint across Canary Wharf to the tallest building in London where I was cooped up for the next 3 hours. Finally got down to buying the wedding dress.

March - David got a surprise last minute Assessment Centre invitation, and subsequently got some interviews and finally a job! Looked like God wanted us to be in London for a while.

April - SUPER busy month. I had too many holiday from 2010 (can you believe it) so I took a week off and we went to Porto for 4 days. It was a very nice and quiet town with perfect weather. The next day we went to this cool restaurant with opera-trained waiters for dinner. Unbeknownst to me, ah gong was fighting for his life in hospital. Someone (I think it was Sheryl's facebook actually) finally prompted me that something wasn't right early the next week. Spoke to mum about going home, but she said it wasn't necessary. Early the next morning I got woken up by a call to say my final words and for the 1st time ever, I went to the office at 7.30am and booked a flight for that afternoon. I promptly missed the flight and had to re-book another to fly that night instead. While getting from Gatwick airport (where I missed my flight) to Heathrow airport (where the next flight was to be), Ah Gong breathed his last. By the time I arrived home the next day, I only saw brave but tired dry eyes all around until the day of the funeral, but was glad to be back home anyway. It so happened I spent Good Friday and Easter in Singapore but have hardly any recollection of it - church life in singapore is a mess for my family. Upon getting back to London, I went to up to Warwick the following weekend - the weekend Wills married Kate. CFA studies was in shambles - missed too many classes so I actually had to spend some time on my own catching up.

May - Bank holidays wasted on studying for the CFA. Got reminded that trying to sit at the table for the whole day to study is too ambitious as it was never my forte. Got a week of study leave, which I promptly filled with a wedding dress fitting and other various appointments. The sun was out and the weather was gorgeous, but I did spend the rest of the time indoors studying for the exam that I really regretted signing up for. On the brighter side, we received news that we got a HDB flat!

June - The exam happened on the 1st Sat. I have been in large exam halls, but not one with 2000 people, it was overwhelming, but thankfully the exam went well. I even lent the guy beside me my spare calculator and trusted my 6 year old one to do its job. Took a trip to Birmingham to see Sabrina, went down to Lewes for a combined fellowship meeting and stayed the night - really loved it. Took a day off to do our pre-wedding photoshoot. The whole time David was very stressed about his dissertation. I also became a member of the Free Presbyterian Church of Ulster this month at the constitution of our congregation in London. One of my closest colleagues resigned and left - she taught me almost everything I knew at work.

July - David's mum comes over for 2 weeks and stays with me. It was a weird but sufficiently pleasant experience. We went up to Cambridge for one of the poshest weddings I've ever been to; was also my first English wedding. Our mummies helped us choose our HDB flat back in Singapore; the next week, David's mum chose us a flat in London. Just like that, we had 2 flats in 2 weeks. What blessedness. I think I got my CFA results as well.

August - Frantic house-packing, household goods purchases, and wedding planning all in one. Professionally, I experienced a second round of retrenchment, I lost another colleague on my team - more frantic times at work. Just as I was trying to focus on my various night jobs, the day job ate into more hours of the evening than it ever had; I got very little sleep that month. Still, at the end of August, I went up to Warwick for the 3rd and final time to help David move down to London. We went to Warwick Castle and Stratford-upon-Avon on the way back. We moved all of David's stuff from Warwick and some of my stuff from my old flat in a Fiat 500 (the smallest car you have ever seen). There is no furniture in the new place but David moved in anyway and sleeps in the floor. He also started work (training) at RBS.

September - Possibly the shortest month of the year. My 1st 10 days was spent sorting out my house-move (the admin, moving bills, setting up new internet and the actual moving). Man have I accumulated a whole load of stuff in just 2 years. I remember my life here started with just 46kg, and realise what a big fat hoarder I am. I move into the new flat for 4 mad days (by this time there are beds in both bedrooms) where the nights after work were spent wedding planning, unpacking slightly (and trying to remember where I had packed things away in my previous scurry), packing for the trip to Singapore, and more wedding stuff. It was a very very rough time at work and I really wanted to quit there and then. The last Sunday before I left the church gave me a big surprise "send-off" even though I was actually only gone for 3 weeks. In their eyes I was going to return a different person, and I guess they knew more about marriage than I did. I also got a surprise hen party from some of my colleagues, I was so touched. I got back to Singapore 2 weeks before the wedding and it was nothing short of ultimate insanity. There was no time for any meet-ups like I planned. Heck, there was still no time for sleep. There was though, time for a Bridal shower which again prompted me to count my blessings in the wonderful friends who've remained friends after many many years.

October - Got married, with all the pomp that came with it. 1 October was the shortest but longest day of my life. I still remember all the details (which I should really pen down soon before they start fizzling away). All the (mostly last minute) preparations came together in the end, not always in the most ideal way, but by that time I just took whatever I could get and lived with it. Pictures and videos survive to tell the tale (if and when I ever get my hands on them). Overall a joyous day though there were some minor disappointments which I had to consciously choose to brush aside. Finally had a break and a holiday (after Porto oh so long ago). Koh Samui left a deep, positive impression on me, so much so that I actually said to David, more than once, that I would love to go back again. Perhaps it is because I will now always associate it with the relief and rest I found there after all those crazy months. The 4 days was what we had to contend with for our honeymoon and it was soon back to London and to work. Things had gotten worse at work, and I spent a few miserable weeks catching up on what had piled up. Back home, I had to get used to the idea that my room is not really mine to call my own anymore. Didn't help that we still had no furniture apart from the beds which means no unpacking can be done and there was stuff and boxes everywhere. We received our 1st visitors 1 day and 2 weeks after coming home, respectively. I finally stopped playing the organ every single Sunday because we finally got sort of a roster going, while I was away. Hello singing! Visited the London Zoo and finally saw the Giraffe David adopted for my 2010 birthday. David turned 26 and I had a cake all ready, except that he didn't come home from work till 11.30pm.

November - The clocks moved back and it starts to get dark earlier in the afternoon. The only bright spark at work was a session with Boris Becker, which I guess made up for the fact that we didn't buy tickets to the ATP finals this year. I turned a quarter of a century, to no fanfare. It was a Sunday so we had our usual 4 hour commute to and from church, and that was pretty much the whole day. But I got a birthday present and a slice of cake from the husband! Both of us were pretty much swamped with work and had little time to spend together apart from sleep time, which we're only reminded of by the occasional jolt or head crash. Still need to get used to this sleeping arrangement. Had to spend some obligatory time with a visiting friend, so went to Canterbury for 1 Saturday and some nights out, which was nice but added to the fatigue. Also attended a 2nd wedding one weekend and took a trip down to New Haven for a surprise birthday party another weekend. Spoke very little to the family back home in Singapore because of the sheer impossibility.

December - The long-awaited Christmas holidays finally came around, but not before a very hectic work schedule, made worse by a plethora of pre-Christmas dinners / meet-ups / parties. Don't get me wrong, they were all nice in their own right, but one a night for 2 weeks can get quite tiring, especially if work wasn't slowing down like it was meant to! But I had my first department Christmas Party, at what we thought was a swanky place in town but turned out not to be. I left at 9pm before the real seedy stuff started happening. Went to 2 excellent museums - the National Gallery as well and the Imperial War Museum. Christmas itself was rather quiet, and finally allowed for some alone time. We cooked a pre-prepared Turkey Breast for our Christmas dinner, and I also had my first Christmas pudding. The weekend at home also reminded me that I had quite enough of sitting and eating on the floor. We had put off buying furniture in anticipation of the post-Christmas sales, but they have been disappointing thus far. We need to bite the bullet now and just get some stuff or I will go crazy. The work year has finally ended - another blow for the team as my boss resigned and left; but for me personally on a positive note after a depressing year as I got a positive appraisal for the year, thank God.

So, much has transpired in the span of a single year. 2011 has been extremely colourful; if ever I look back at my life at some point in the future, I hope never to use the word 'boring' to describe it. Whilst many of the experiences described above was me "going solo", I don't really remember feeling that alone, because I always rested in the blessed knowledge that "along the road of life I have a Friend divine, who walks with me and always leads the way..."

As I flip the page on the calendar, I feel ever so thankful and glad. Each of these events have been a blessing in its own peculiar way - the happy ones are self-explanatory, the sad ones I at least got to share with loved ones, and the difficult ones hopefully made me stronger (since they didn't kill). Truly it was goodness and mercy that led me through, and not my own as I have none. The Source of all goodness and mercy is Jehovah, and he continually provides. Jehovah Jireh.

2012 - what will you bring? I guess I needn't hold my breath for much longer, though life always unfolds in a way you least expect.

I'm so excited!

Keep Calm and Carry On

To the unhappy Singaporeans back home, I offer a leaf out of British propaganda:

This poster was first published during World War II, apparently to boost morale. Many say it describes the stiff British character, always unfazed. As a Londoner I have sub-consciously learnt to adopt this sort of a mentality as well. Yes the tube breaks down all the time, it is always delayed for indefinite amount lengths of time and there's always a lame excuse for it (signal failures, person taken ill or even person under train), a tube strike is planned on boxing day, fares go up by 5-7% every year. When i first came here only a couple of years back, a single journey cost £1.50, now it cost £1.90, and in the new year it will be £2. People talk about it, they even joke about it, but hardly anyone complains. People are late for work all the time - there is no mobile reception in the underground, some people have to walk through the dark 100-year old tunnels together with its ratty inhabitants to get out of the train. Everyone is way past that stage, people simply live with it and move on with their lives.

I agree that these things are irritating, annoying and frustrating. Especially in a society spoilt with the highest levels of efficiency where everyone is so self-important and perpetually busy.... but sometimes things don't always go our way. Maybe we are a victim of our own success and ambitions, perhaps the rapid expansion of the MRT system caused these knock-on effects. Bigger = more complex = more room for error? No one ever complains when everything is going fine and well, this is possibly a good time to stop, think and be thankful.

Well i guess I can say all that because i'm quite removed from it all. Not sure how I'd react if I were there, or if I never had the chance to witness for myself this "keep calm and carry on" attitude in a place where nothing works (by singaporean standards). But one thing I've been trying to learn is to complain less, and this is my resolution to take into 2012.

frivolous passions

i love watching musicals! but it is a pretty expensive passion, and sometimes just not worth it.

was so happy that getintolondontheatre finally opened yesterday. immediately booked "singing in the rain" and "the wizard of oz" for next year!

maybe i love discounts more.

the last musical was "crazy for you", with lw when he visited. it was nice, too american, but also had too much lost on me because i didn't know who gershwin was, or all his great songs. now i know some..

the 2nd last play was "driving miss daisy", supposedly an oscar-acclaimed film with a deeper theme of racism. again, it was too american, and i was just in a mighty foul mood that day. watched it with P, who is in london for a few months and really has endless energy i cannot keep up with.

a couple of nights ago, i watched a free play at the old vic, called "noises off" as i got some last min tickets. it was hilarious and was a play within a play with 3 acts.

so much for levelling up on the culture front! bring on the next 2 musicals next year. would really love to go for a ballet over Christmas since we're stuck in london anyway, but all the tickets to "the nutcracker" are sold out, and those that remain are out of the culture budget!

just thought i should pen this down before i forget that i'd ever done this (same reason i take photos). but actually, if it was so forgettable, then there prob was no point taking note anyway.

happy birthday daddy

Happy 52nd birthday daddy dearest!

Thought about the song below the days after the wedding - although most of it is not really reflective of us, it's still very sweet. and i still don't know what went through his head that whole day, or the moments before and during the walk down the aisle....

Butterfly kisses to you from london! :)

There's two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she's
daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her
hair; "Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride.""I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
In all that I've done wrong I know I must
have done something right to deserve a hug
every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking
little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you
don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong I must have done
something right to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not
sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"

Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have
done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly
kisses-I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.

Tomorrow, we marry

Never thought it'd be my turn to say this... suddenly, it's happening all too soon. the prep is more or less a disaster and i'm such a wreck from all the lack of sleep!

I will survive the day on sudafed and panadold. heh. as well as a lot of make-up and concealer.

But who cares?

Tomorrow, we start the rest of our lives together :)

highly strung

it's september! all alarm bells have gone off in my mind. recurring nightmares. boxes everywhere. stuff everywhere. disorganised excel sheets on the computer. frantic online shopping for all last minute items. ten million things still undone.

can't believe i'm becoming inefficient just as it matters most. it's all coming back to haunt me.

STRESS.

last weekend we were up in warwick clearing out his room and moving everything back down to london. even that was so stressful. but we did try to have some fun in between, like spending an afternoon at warwick castle, which is really an atypical castle for kids who dream of living in the middle ages... that was just last weekend, but it now feels like a whole lifetime ago. so much happens everyday, and there's so much more to be done it is all so overwhelming.

last night i had a surprise mini hen party at a lebanese restaurant. it was lovely and i honestly felt so touched that people i'm not even that close to actually bothered to put something together, and went to quite great lengths in effort and cash. i'm so grateful for the night but i could have done better.

ahead of me lies 2 more weeks of work, with a team that has shrunk rapidly in the last weeks. we had 7 at the beginning of the year, by mid-year there were 5, last week, there was 3.5, and for the next week, 2.5.... doesn't really help when the night job gets more and more demanding and i haven't slept before 1am in a long time....!

this week also marks the last in this flat - the one that the Omnipotent led me to when still fresh off the boat, and which has provided some comfort and quality of life for over 2 years now. but somehow i'm quite glad to get out, and i don't even have time to be sentimental about the whole thing.

i wish i didn't have to sleep. i wish i had time to go to the gym so i can get into the stupid dress (i don't even want to wear it anymore...!) i wish i didn't have to work so i can do this night job full-time and in the day. i wish some people would be more responsible. i wish i wasn't moving house though frankly i had quite enough of this place. i almost wish it was I who got laid off last week, though that will bring with it a host of worse problems.

BUT

i know i have a very supportive and loving family, who are actually helping a lot already and it's just me holding things up. i know that we kinda asked for this. i know we are very blessed to have a fabulous place to live in without even having to look. i know this is just a wedding and the marriage is more important. i know worrying doesn't solve anything, neither does crying or pretending to be sick so I don't have to go to work (no i wouldn't even do that because it's not as if the work disappears; it just waits, like a dog for its master, grr...woof!). i know we will get through this somehow.

i know all these but the situation on the ground isn't good. shoot me now :(

London - Looted and in Flames

I am absolutely speechless. A few nights ago (Thursday night in fact), I met a friend from JC who is in London for a few weeks for dinner. He asked me, "is London safe?". Without hesitation, I replied in the negative. Over the last 2 years, I've started to feel a little safer than when I first arrived. But I never felt completely at ease. Least of all when I pass through some of the most dangerous boroughs in the capital every week. But tonight has left me in disbelief that such uncivilised acts could take place in such a widespread manner in a supposedly civilised society.

In case you are wondering and are concerned, I'm safe, indoors and hope to remain so.

However, the scenes I see on the TV (laptop to be more exact) have been heartbreaking, frustrating and horrifying.

These are a (small part of a) generation of youths who have grown up in the "modern world". Technology has changed the way we think, communicate, and influence others. Or perhaps London is now facing up to years of unaddressed delinquency as loots destroy their very own neighbourhoods and communities. One reporter was asked by the studio, "what are the parents doing? why are the kids on the streets?" and the reply was "the kids are always on the streets". The scale of the problem is obviously far bigger and far more fundamental.

And so I've spent almost the whole night glued to the BBC news watching the events unfold all around me on TV and shaking my head way too often. Now, as I watch cars, buses, shops, and hundred-year-old landmark buildings go up in flames, and people shamelessly looting shops in broad daylight, I reflect on the depravity of man, and the extent of wickedness. These people obviously knew they were doing wrong, for they wore masks, balaclava and tshirts over their faces to avoid getting recognised on CCTV and to avoid suffering the consequences of their actions. The sad truth is that they will probably never be caught or face justice in the courts, but their conscience, if not already seared, will forever pierce them.

As buildings and vehicles burned all around the capital, with Hackney just a couple of miles north of here and Peckham and Lewisham not far south, I tried to imagine what hell would be like. Even in relatively decent neighbourhoods - directly across the capital from where the violence first stared in Croydon (SW Greater London) and Clapham Junction (quite an expensive hip area) - crazy people have gone on a rampage. The video footage from helicopters are terrifying enough, and the firemen stood very small beside flames many times their height which threatened to engulf them. Burnt out buildings are now threatening to collapse, and have to be pulled down and destroyed forever. Grand Dames of the high street that have stood for centuries, gone in an hour. Nothing is sure; nothing stands forever on this earth. Another lesson to never build with wood, hay or stubble.

Across the world over, there is bad news on every corner. The financial markets are in perpetual meltdown, there are uprisings all over - Syria, Libya, etc, and society is crumbling. This is truly a godless and perverse generation. The end is nigh? God, be merciful.

CFA Level 1

It's been 6 weeks since the exam so obviously I had clean forgotten about the exam. Just remembered yesterday that results were due out today, and then started to panic and get nervous. Ignorance was much preferable bliss.

Work kept me too busy all morning, but as 9am ET approached I found myself checking my inbox quite frequently, and when the email finally came in, I only read the 1st line. and it was enough. it read: "Congratulations. I am very pleased to inform you that you passed the June 2011 Level I CFA exam. You are one step closer to achieving your goal of earning the globally respected CFA charter." Truly thank God! Not so sure about wanting to move on to Level 2, but at least I don't have to repay the sponsors for the amount of the exam and the course. Anyhow I foolishly forwarded on the message to my team to share the good news, and after that realised that there was a breakdown of the score at below... ooooopps...!

These weeks have been very stressful and hectic, but God has still continuously poured down blessing after blessing to make things come together slowly.

on roofs

suddenly, in a span of 2 weeks, we have 2 roofs over our heads.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

update soon!

PHAT!

collected my wedding gown today, and like I predicted, those measurements the lady took at the shop last time were too good to be true! size 4, come on... i'd be quite happy being an 8.

the dress fit, but i wouldn't have been able to stay in it for more than half an hour without suffocating; and i'd quite like to breathe normally on my wedding day, thankyouverymuch. anyway, so it's too late to order another dress in size 6 or something larger, so i guess i'll either just pay £30 for the tailors to take it out slightly at the waist, or i'd have to make sure i lose some flab to fit it!

to be quite honest, exercise has taken much a back-seat in recent months. ever since the CFA classes started, the thought of going to the gym or exercising never even crossed my mind. Since i still eat the same amount of food/ junk food, and the miracle of youthful metabolism isn't quite working to my favour anymore, i can feel the inches getting added on. all that will have to change very soon, starting in 2 weeks. though i wish i could go do something NOW.

guess my health is also starting to deteriorate. Just as I was starting to get complacent about not having been stricken by serious illness since moving here, i nearly passed out at work (again!). absolutely hate causing unnecessary drama and having all the boys in the office find out the reason why, but i'm just thankful that they are all so sweet and nice. 2 of them even walked me down to the sick bay just in case i fainted on the way... and the only other lady in my team insisted on taking me home in a cab. i'm truly blessed. on a lighter note, that blue shirt i have in my wardrobe is cursed - was wearing that same shirt when i last fainted at work, and also when i got knocked down by a bicycle. coincidence?

owell, like daddy says, i just have to deal with one thing at a time. and it is now time to study. just finished the 1st part of my 1st mock exam. couldn't sit there for the whole duration of the paper (3 hours), as expected, but just rushed through and did it in 2. the result: a multitude of errors. Somehow just can't seem to remember the gazillion things and grasp some key concepts, especially in the area of economics (yucks! who even cares?). God help me in these last 2 weeks.

better return to the horrible books, and save my story finally using the NHS for another time.

235 of 246

as with all other singaporean couples out there trying to settle down, we tried to apply for a HDB flat. Both times it was just a formality, thinking that we were probably not going to get it given the high odds against us (9:1 for the 1st time and 8:1 for the second). but time was running out for us, and we needed to double our chance quickly (but failing twice).

So the first time in Mar, i was quite relieved to have received an email from HDB essentially saying "thanks for playing, try again". afterall, I didn't really fancy Sengkang.

However, to my pleasant surprise this morning, I got an email this morning saying that the ballot for April had been completed and I have been assigned queue number 235. Was quite happy (ok, more relieved) at first, until i found out that actually the number of flats available is 246. This essentially means that we'd prob be left with not much of a choice at all. but then again, some choice is better than not having the option at all. not that i really like punggol... but what God gives, it's probably better just to take and say 'thank you'.

so, we'll see what happens, but at least that is one thing settled! all in all, i'm still thankful that the process went so quickly for us, as so many people before us have tried countless times and are still unsuccessful.

Dear Diary (13 Apr)

13 Apr 11

Dear Diary,

Today, Ah Gong died. While the rest of the family was gathered at his bedside as he slipped away, there I was, 10,000 miles away, frantically trying to find a way home.

But I didn’t make it in time.

Was still on the way to Heathrow when Sharon told me that he was gone.

My last words to him, in very broken hokkien, was a mixture of “wait for me to come back today”, “please believe in Jesus now, don’t’ delay, there’s no more time”, and “remember I’m getting married this year?” and then I couldn’t say anymore, I didn’t know what else to say. Aunt Carrie sounded distraught enough, telling me in a hurry to speak to Ah Gong because he was passing away, and that was 7.20am in the morning. He finally went his way at 4.15pm. (All London times)

I’m still waiting for the flight, after missing the 1^st one I booked for this afternoon. Can’t seem to do anything. I didn’t bring any book, save the CFA, which I have absolutely no heart to read. I didn’t pack much with me this time, travelling light for once. After all, when it’s a matter of life and death, how much can one carry?

I’m not sure what Ah Gong left behind in material terms. He worked hard all his life, especially in the earlier days. Ah Ma used to tell me the stories of how he would do back-breaking coolie work to feed the family of 5 children. He was always skinny from the time I knew him, his lean fame definitely carrying more muscle than fat. It didn’t take me very many years to overtake him in weight. At his healthiest, he was 45kg at most. The grandparents had a large role to play in bringing Sharon and I up, given how much time we spent with them before and after kindergarten each day (remembering that school only lasted 3 hours then). They gave us breakfast, lunch and dinner, and we used to be at their place everyday. This has now evolved into a Friday night tradition, where the whole family gathers for a meal every Friday night, only missing out in exceptional circumstances. Any attempts to arrive late would be thwarted by his constant phone calls. He must have looked forward so much to having everyone together. Ah Gong’s culinary skills were top-notch, and he used to rule the kitchen, making all kinds of food from sting-ray on freshly plucked banana leaf, crabs, the clams we used to pick from Kranji beach, curry, and the best egg toufu with ketchup dish in the world. But he stopped cooking quite a few years ago. That was when his health started to fail him. He has been in and out of hospital since, and never really recovered fully.

Ah Gong was also very cool. He used to have the funkiest things like tinted glasses, chunky rings and crocs. He had no qualms walking to the market to have a sit down meal alone, where we bumped into him a few times. In his latter years he also had a mobile phone with a very cool ringtone. I also remember him asking me to help him put Ah Ma’s picture on his phone wall, which was very sweet. He didn’t get much education, but he tried to teach us English when we were in kindergarten, copying out months and days of the week from the calendar, practicing with us.

He was also a true adventurer, and really the 1^st one in our family to migrate. Coming to Singapore from the sleepy fishing village of Pulau Ketam was his idea. He came, found work, and went back to bring his family over. Just a few weeks ago, he insisted on making a trip back there, which my parents obliged in taking him. I hear that he endured the whole journey in the car and was truly happy to have made it there. Maybe at that point he knew the battery bar was running low.

The only thing that remains a mystery, and will continually haunt us for the rest of our lifetimes, was whether he was saved. He has heard the Gospel many times, but never wanted to believe, mostly because he was afraid about how the rest of the relatives would view him. Afterall, he used to be the Taoist medium who got into scary trances. Apparently, Uncle Kelvin and Auntie Bee Pheng spoke to him a few days ago, and he nodded twice, when asked twice if he wanted to believe. That is a huge reaction, considering the next day he could only move his eyes. He did try to react by closing his eyes when my mum mentioned Jesus, which could be taken in 2 senses. The whole day today, I prayed that the Lord would be gracious to him and not harden his soul any longer. If he had been snatched from Satan’s grip, even at the jaws of death, then God could take him away into eternity even if I don’t make it home in time. Because I know it would be goodnight, not goodbye. I didn’t make it home, but I’m not sure if it’s a prayer answered. Afterall, who am I that God should listen to me?

I don’t know what to do when I get back, and I’m not sure I’m prepared for what I’m about to witness. But no amount of preparation will prepare one for the final moment. Yet, I can’t wait to be home, to be with the family. It is truly a big family that has gone through thick and thin together. That was one wonderful thing Ah Gong left behind, one that surpasses everything else. I love all of them, and I know we all miss Ah Gong already.

Now get me on that plane; it will be the longest flight of my life but I know at the end of it is a family that grieves together.

Heathrow Airport Terminal 3

London

1929h

200 days

That sounds like quite a lot considering the CFA exam is in 80 days...

Went for a free medical check-up today which threw up some rather interesting results! Never really done anything like this before, so i didn't expect to have to take my height and weight. Really hated doing that in school. They used to waste whole PE lessons taking everyone's measurements and I used to be depressed on those days, because 1. there was no proper PE (which was prob my favourite subject in school) and 2. i hated reaffirming how short and heavy i am. Today, I was instructed to strip down to underwear (which i think they never do in singapore?) but considering all the wedding dress shopping, I'm already quite used to that... and then I had to step on the scales. boo. The funny thing was, the doctor measured me to be 162cm (dont know where the 2cm came from!) and then told me that i was borderline underweight. Never, never in my life was I ever underweight (I guess I'm still not) but that was the incredible news to my ears. haha. this was after this elderly lady in church told me yesterday that I put on weight. It was only the 2nd time I was properly talking to her! love these little old ladies though, they are so funny.

The next funny thing was that she wanted to test my knee-jerk reaction. So she took a hammer, and hit my knee, and then my lower leg moved (isn't that what's supposed to happen anyway?) but she said I was cheating, hahaha. ok to be fair, I knew that she was trying to get a reaction out of me so i must have subconsciously moved my leg when she tapped it. owell.

Anyhow, thank God for general good health. Test results will be back in a week plus, and we'll have the fuller picture then I guess.

Ok i digress. So, time is running out for us. But between now and then, a million uncertainties and things undone.

Am I excited? Fairly.

Prepared? Not really!

Panicking? Soon will be...

I Hear the Words of Love

I hear the words of love,

I gaze upon the blood,

I see the mighty sacrifice,

And I have peace with God.

(Horatius Bonar)

Landmark discovery and buy

The Discovery - How to save money in London if you're under-26

This was motivated by yet another trip to Wimbledon, with great expectations of buying The One, whatever it might be. I had done my research on the TFL website, and realised that the young person's railcard can be used to get 1/3 off the overland train (which i would have to take from Waterloo to Wimbledon). Feel quite stupid because I've had this railcard for 5 months and I just found out about this, so obviously I go to the ticket office to get my Oyster card linked!

Turns out, that when I tapped out of the underground at Waterloo, a tube journey that would normally cost £1.90 only cost £1.25!!! I was so thrilled :)

The Buy

Today I finally concluded the long and arduous search for a dress. It's been rather tough going. 5 or 6 wedding dress shop appointments, 1 national wedding show, 10s of dresses tried on both in London and Singapore, countless hours spent on www.preloved.co.uk and various other 2nd hand dress websites, I finally bought something today.

Stumbled upon Teokath actually, and boy I'm glad I did. Was actually just randomly calling up stockists in London for Pronovias, because I was convinced (and bought over by their amazing website) that I wanted a Pronovias dress. The flagship store at New Bond Street was fully booked, and the next appointment was in April, which I booked in January. Actually, it was also Teokath's website that actually made me interested in going all the way to SW19 to visit the shop. Researched like mad for reviews online and couldn't find any. Was really worried that the prices would be overpriced and the alterations would cost a fortune. But the lady on the phone sounded friendly and she assured me that "we will find your something". Obviously, anyone who had been through what I did would find that difficult to believe.

When I finally got to the shop on Wed night, I was actually very impressed with the layout of the shop, it was classy and spacious. The other bridal shops I visited had amazing websites but a pathetic store layout - almost disappointing. The service was excellent. I was offered a drink while I browsed through the dresses. There must have been about 100 dresses there, but I already knew the styles I wanted, which made things much easier. Maria was amazing, she actually listened to what I wanted and then helped me pick out some dresses to try according to the criteria. At other places I just had to go around and pick 4 or 5 myself. Throughout the fittings she sounded very genuine in pointing out the characteristics of each dress, and telling me what was nice and not. I finally narrowed it down to 2, and she didn't even mention anything about buying the dress, just a simple invitation to return during the weekend for a 2nd try. I was convinced that I would get something from this shop. It offered the best services out of all the shops I went (which did not include the high-end designer boutiques which I would think have good service to justify the prices!)

I'm glad I went to the other boutique inside Elys the departmental store for the 2nd fitting. There were other different dresses there, and I was sipping my orange juice while picking out a few others, including a dress that was quite similar to the one I was actually going to buy (spent Thurs and Fri doing a survey among some colleagues and friends and was decided.) Before I put on that dress, the ladies at the store seemed to have their doubts, though they encouraged me to try it on anyway. I did, and when it was on, I could see the amazed look on their face. There was a WOW factor, and they really looked impressed. I guess that was what confirmed it for me, since no one came with me to the appointment. To be sure, we tried on the 2 dresses a few times, and the last thing that sealed it was the price. This dress looked a lot more elegant, was in the material I wanted, looked more expensive, but was actually cheaper. So I said I would buy it. Maria took some pictures of me in it (I must say that the background was actually even more amazing because the boutique is really really pretty), while Daniella got the champagne out.

Then, measurements had to be taken, and to my surprise, my measurements were actually smaller than the smallest size! Plus I have a waist size that surprised me and made my sisters jealous :p Actually one amazing thing about trying to get a wedding dress in London is how everyone thinks I'm tiny. It's so funny, because the sample dresses are always in size 12 or 14 and I always look like I'm drowning in them and they have to be pinned in to fit. In Singapore, the dresses were all either fitting or slightly too tight, which made me feel extremely fat. Maybe thats why I didn't fancy any of the dresses I tried on in SG.

So, I guess I'm (almost) done getting into fitting rooms with complete strangers and having to strip down to the bare minimum.

Congrats me!!! and thank God for bringing this to a conclusion - I was seriously about to give up! My only regret is that I had to do most of this alone. It would have been a lot nicer if mummy were here, and not just on skype looking at the Pronovias website with me. Or if the sistas could stop me from picking ridiculous dresses tell me what suited me instead of me having to go back and then showing them via email how the dress looks like on a supermodel on the website (but generally my taste was not bad, right? :p). I guess I learnt (the very hard way) to stand on my own 2 feet and make a big decision. Now I just have to hope that I don't change my mind about this decision in the next 7 months or so because there is no turning back.

Now I can move on to other things, like the bridesmaid dresses, evening dress, shoes and the gazillion other things that never end.....

Had such a horrible, long and tiring week but I'm glad it ended on a good note, despite being quite a lot poorer :)

something old, something new, anything!

really hope that tomorrow will bring the dress hunt to an end! last shop, last hope. all the way to wimbledon. I pray that it will not be another wasted trip.

Loss of Boss

So I experienced my first firm-wide retrenchment exercise today, and it was not pleasant at all. Was quite looking forward to it at first from a process perspective because i'd never seen it happen before and because I was convinced that my team would be OK. After all, we had finally completed the build-out of the team in Nov and we had hired an extremely and undisputedly smart boss from a top-tier competitor.

The morning started out pretty slowly. Nothing was happening, just lots of senior directors and MDs meeting in offices and walking around, but no word was given. We carried on with our daily business and discussions. At abt 11.40am, the phone rings, and we all see that it is for P, and from the room downstairs where these retrenchment meetings were going on. Not good. The junior people on our team start to panic, and I find myself starting to tremble uncontrollably. It was either P or one of us. I was convinced that it could not be P, so i plugged out my iphone from the charging point and made a mental note of what things to take with me, just in case. Then P sent out an outlook invite entitled "Short meeting", in 4 mins. I knew then that it was not one of us, or the person should have been told individually, not collectively. My neighbour came back to her desk, completely oblivious, I told her that P got a call but it didn't seem to register. Then I thought maybe there was nothing to worry about and that they were just calling up the team leaders of those teams that would be fine. But then i turned around and saw that P had logged out of his computer. I could not believe my eyes. Nothing made sense, but P was his usual smiley self when the 4 mins was up, and he came around to gather us.

We went into the 1st free room we saw, and I guess I'll always remember what P said, "So I got a call from [the room], and they told me to take all my things. I guess I won't be coming back, so it was nice working with all of you. I'm sure you will all be fine for the rest of the day." Silence. Everyone was speechless for a good 5 seconds, until someone managed to find the voice, "Very sorry to hear about that." And that was it. P was gone.

Harsh. 10 minutes later, another team leader got a similar call. But he did not tell his team. He just got up, put his hands up in the air, took his coat, and left. No logging out of the computer, nothing. Casualty number 2. He did what any logical person would have done actually, but that pales in comparison to what P did. The sense of professionalism P showed in such a time was tremendous, as well as the thought for his immediate team. For that, I respect him.

The rest of the team had lunch together, and we could not understand the move. Surely it is a stupid short-sighted saving which negates all the time and effort spent getting P in the first place. Not a single person I know who have dealt with P on a professional level has failed to be impressed. Eloquent, intelligent, and perhaps over-qualified. As a manager, P was fair (as far as I could tell) and was always on top of everything, from analysis to even the admin. He even sent me a text with well wishes when I went home early from work after fainting one day. It was difficult to fault his performance. It was definitely more our loss than his loss, let's not kid ourselves. I was completely at a loss for the 1st 2 hours, and then everything started to seem so surreal. I don't think it fully hit me until I texted P a few hours ago to finally say goodbye, and got what I thought was a nice reply, "I will miss working with you. You have a great future and a great career ahead of you. Keep in touch!" I guess that is some sort of closure, and tomorrow will be the start of something different, something unknown.

I saw today the ruthlessness of the industry, and the stupidity that causes it to hire and fire in short cycles. Yet, I also saw some semblance of humanity amid it all. People banded together, and faces were mostly long. People in this industry do have emotions too.

Needless to say, very little work was done in the day, and shortly after 5pm, it was down to the pub.

The next few days and weeks will be interesting, and the start of a lot more unsettling to come.

I'm thankful that I do not entrust in any man or organisation for they may fail, but a sovereign God who always has the perfect plan. Amen.