A Birthday Letter

My Darling Emma

Today you turn 2. It is with some amazement and surprise that we have somehow, by God's grace, survived all this time. We are still struggling with the everyday routines and last night was another classic night of wakes and starts, and lots of tears. I don't think you understood when I told you it is your birthday today. Anyway, I thought I'd pen down some of the wonderful growth we have seen in you over the past year. 

The first half was marked with lots of physical progress - in height, in your progression from walking to running and in activities like being able to feed yourself, take off your shoes and hold a toothbrush. 

We were blessed with having your grandmother look after you at home. You started to go to some play groups, to the local museum and to the library. Often she would also take you on the tube to various places in london - to the tower, to concerts, to the park at Greenwich. You gained a healthy affinity for books and loved to read. Your understanding was opened and you appeared to comprehend everything we said to you, though you didn't say a word. 

You were slow to speak, preferring to listen and observe the world and people around you, but my, have you caught up in the speech department. More on that later. 

We went to Cornwall over Easter, and it was a long car ride, but I don't remember you being too much trouble in the car, though you have categorically refused to be in your infant car seat pretty much all the time. We had a pretty rubbish holiday because it rained everyday, and you were so clingy to me that I had to have breakfast on my own, though we did go swimming which you loved, remembering some of the routines from the swimming class you used to attend. You had your first ice cream in the town of Polperro? 

I had the privilege of a few weeks off work around April, in between jobs. We did quite a lot - went to the British library, the Satchii Gallery, and the Singapore embassy to write in the books of condolence for Lee Kwan Yew, a man you will no doubt learn about. We also took a girls trip to the Cote d'Azure, which was really nice. Mummy was overly ambitious as usual and wanted to see everything between Cannes and Monaco, so we ended up on long bus rides and no time for food which you handled like a trooper, so did Ah Ma. You loved the sea and played with sand for the first time. You have pranced on the red carpet in Cannes, taken the open top bus in Nice and trampled on the grounds on the Monaco palace and casinos. 

And then in June you started Nursery. It must have been so tough for you. From being at home all the time and constant attention to pretty much having to fend for yourself, first for 4 full days a week, to 5. On many days your hours were longer than Mummy's or Daddy's and you did not like being one of the last to be picked up everyday, starting to cry when you see other parents come for their children. But we have been blessed with a good team of teachers and carers who you grew to love and rely on. They also loved you because you were "just so cute", until... One day you decided that you'd misbehave and not follow instructions like the angel they had gotten accustomed to. You have also made some friends. A few months ago I noticed that you could name all your classmates by their photos, now you are more cheeky and would point to a picture, ask me, "who is this?" Before replying your own question with "it's so-and-so". You are now graduating from your first class, "Bumblebees 1" to the next age group "Butterflies 3". We pray that you will find equally good teachers and love the environment, until it changes again. 

If the first half was marked by physical progress, the second was definitely filled with intellectual leaps. You have always been an independent little person, from a very young age, wanting to do things by yourself and your way. And so you refused to learn when we tried to teach you things formally (or at least you would pretend that you're not learning). Instead, you choose to learn through observing and by pressing the buttons on your ABC "iPad" repeatedly. This "teaching" was reinforced through endless hours on YouTube, watching and re watching the same nursery rhymes and shows until you could recite verbatim. That fact I'm not so proud of, because we were determined not to become "iPad" parents and to expose you to too much technology. 

Perhaps it is inevitable in this day and age, and these devices are so intuitive that you figured out how to get to YouTube and play your favourite channels, switching from one to the next and getting rid of distractions along the way like a text that has come in or an advertisement before the real thing. You've also learnt through observation how to make a phone call, which buttons to press and how recognise your daddy's name to phone him. But this will become a stumbling block, dear Emma, we are trying everyday not to feed that "instant gratification" gene in you and to instil ok you the concept of time and tantrum management. We've noticed that you don't like playing with stuffed toys, possible because they are non-interactive or that you're like me and not very good at showing affection. 

However the latter can't be true, because we have also seen a surprising trait of kindness in you. One day last month we were snacking on grapes and you were busy picking them one by one out of the bowl and offering the next one to us the moment we finished one. Since then you have been very concerned that your daddy also gets a piece of your snack. You are generally able to try to share and play with other children - unfortunately your efforts to give them hugs (on command from us) and play together often get repaid with your toys being snatched away (because most children at this age not play alongside other children, not with). I hope you never give up caring and sharing. 

You started talking in earnest around 18-19 months. It started with just a few words but quickly progressed to 2-word full sentence remarks and replies (I'm ready, what happened). You had somehow learnt the difference between me/I and you and now can somehow add the 's to signify possession. Of course, a lot of it comes from copying words we say, but you seem to apply them correctly in the right situations. We are just missing a few conjunctions now ("I want go home now"). We haven't fared so well in Chinese though. apparently we have one more year till the brain nodes stop developing as rapidly in the language department, so we need to work on that with some urgency now... 

We're also starting to experience the start of the "terrible twos". The next year will be a trying one, I can feel it. But it will also be filled with much adventure and much more interaction, as well as many more firsts. How exciting is this journey of life, and how amazing. There is so much in store at every single step. 

Happy 2nd birthday, darling daughter. Thank you for being such a blessing in our lives, and we pray that you will soon come to recognise that the many blessings bestowed on you are from the Giver of all good gifts, your Creator, and also your Saviour. 

Music, a language

Dearest Emma,

You turn 16 months tomorrow, and the pace of your development has been nothing short of extraordinary. We like to think that you're special, brighter than most toddlers your age, but most parents probably think that of their children.

Today we took you to your first classical music concert. It was held in St Paul's Covent Garden, dubbed the Actor's church, for the number of artistes who are buried there. It was our first time at Bach to Baby, a brilliant start-up by a Guildhall professor to bring live classical music to little ears. I've wanted to take you for one of these since you were 3-4 months, but didn't think you were ready. However, you must have listened to the highlights from Beethoven's symphonies dozens of times via Baby Einstein. Suffice to say that you love music, and appear to have quite a good ear. Sometimes when we start to play a tune (of one of your nursery rhymes) on there piano, you would very quickly pick up which song it is and do the actions.

Well, today you showed me that you can do more than recognise tunes, you can pick out the melody from a piece even when it's in the left hand or in a variation. One of the pieces performed today was Twelve Variations on "Ah vous dirai-je, Maman" by Mozart, which was effectively 12 variations on the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". You knew exactly when the stars appear, when to point up to the sky, and when to make the diamond shape with your fingers. I vaguely recall that one of the tests in the aural exams at grade 6 or 7 requires one to pick out the tune in alto, tenor or bass. Maybe you will find that easier than most.

Sure, you may not be able to speak (which by many standards is quite slow for your age, I think), but you definitely can make yourself understood with your animated gestures and nods at all the right junctures in a conversation, even if it doesn't involve you. You enjoy playing " deejay" with your musical mobile, and farm mash-up toy, complete with dancing along.

Perhaps you have also decided that music will be your first language.

No pressure, darling.

Much love,
Mummy

Turning one

Dear baby,

Today we mark exactly one year since you came to us. How life has been made different since then! There will be no fanfare or party this year, mostly because we just got back from Singapore and we are both feeling slightly unwell, but also because we figured that you won't really be able to join in the celebrations anyway and we will have many more birthday parties which you'll be able to enjoy, God willing.

Instead, I would like to reflect and recollect some of the precious moments and lessons from the past year. None of these are revelations but to have experienced them first hand is to have a life changed forever.

1. The whole process of gestation, birth and the early months of growth are truly nothing short of a miracle. Indeed, it is the miracle of life. You have grown so quickly and developed by leaps and bounds that its hard to believe that not so long ago, you could fit in my womb or that even the smallest clothes couldnt fit, or that you lay on your back for hours on end, pretty much helpless.

2. Parenthood has redefined patience and sacrifice for me. I never thought I could survive on prolonged lack of, or interrupted sleep, but here I am still alive after 12 months. (Although it would be really nice if you could please quickly learn to sleep through the night!) I also learnt that it's OK to put someone else's needs ahead of my own, no matter how sorry I feel for myself. The funny thing is, after a while I stopped feeling sorry for myself because I was too busy and butterfly brained.

3. The joy on a baby's face is possibly the purest emotion mankind is capable of. The smiles and laughter I would not trade for anything, and I just hope that the world would not rob you of that child-like innocence too soon. Also, the pure delight you express when you see me makes all the tough times melt away. Not forgetting how you would run (not that you can even walk properly) to me for a cuddle after you get tired of throwing all the Lego bricks out of the box or after trotting around non-stop for a few minutes.

4. On the flip side, it's sad to see that even a baby as young as you are naturally tends towards disobedience. It's obvious that the curse of sin did not bypass you, as beautiful as you are. From only a few months old you have shown how strong-willed you are, and how demanding you can be. Whilst we thank God for his mercies in preserving you from any sickness through the 1st year (tho you now have cough and sniffles the day before your first birthday thanks to me), it is obvious that our bodies are frail and far from perfect.

5. Let's talk about progress. For what felt like the longest time, it seemed like all you could do was lie flat on your back and trail all the other babies. Development is not a competition, but one day you finally flipped over and have been racing ahead ever since. In the last month, you have made remarkable steps such as pointing, recognising words, understanding commands, walking, throwing things and even folding your hands to pray. You amaze us with your perseverance, learning to walk is no easy feat, especially when yoy,'re forced to practice wearing socks or tights on a smooth laminated floor. You would toddle a few steps and then fall, but you would pick yourself up and try again. You would do that over and over and over again, each time gaining a bit more confidence and an extra step with every few tries. I feel so tired for you and wish I could help, but I know the process is important, it is good training ground and i hope you will carry this attitude through life.

So my darling, you will very soon cease to be a baby. Before that happens I pray that we will cherish these little moments that God has given us and try to make notes more frequently for we soon forget in the rapid pace of life. I pray that you will be blessed with health and strength so that you can grow in stature and knowledge (per chance coming to saving grace), and I pray that you will always find solace in the arms of your parents.

Happy blessed 1st birthday!

Who is that girl I see...

...Staring straight back at me?

I think it must be a really scary feeling being new to mirrors. As I carry E in her favourite position, being upright against me, I cannot see her face and have to use the mirror to check what she's up to. I think I see a crazy, almost petrified, look in her eyes as she stares at the mirror, for I know she recognises me but then hears my voice come from a different direction. Worse, she sees a stranger, that is, herself, being carried in my arms. Of course she's too young to grasp the concept of mirrors, so this line from the Mulan song holds literal meaning for her. She doesn't recognise herself.

In another literal application, I look in the mirror and see double sometimes. I catch little expressions and actions that are exactly identical to mine own, but performed by my little girl. In fact, I think she looks a lot like me when I was little, but people who knew me when I was little don't seem to think so.

In deeper reflection, what have I become? A mother. The high calling that demands more, more and more. Thank God for seeing me through 3 whole months. On the monthsary we "celebrated" by having Indian takeaway for dinner, just like on the night E was born. Glad to report that we are all still alive and kicking (E more so than us) with no major ailment befallen yet! Watching her daily brings so much joy, that renders all the other troubles quite small. Cliché, but true.

The waiting game - part one

"As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all."

Ecclesiastes 11:5

The formation of a whole human form with its complex features and functions is a miracle! The miracle of life is the amazing handiwork of an all-wise God.

Thank You for the privilege of being able to feel this wonderful development in the flesh. May I learn to stand amazed in His presence, and wait patiently for the rest of His works to unfold.

Saw the midwife (or should I say midhusband) today. Apparently she is only 1/5 engaged so it might be a while yet, though I still have this niggly feeling it is imminent. I hate surprises but this is completely out of anyone's control now, except the Lord's. If I make it to the next appointment she will be overdue, so it could well be that the next time I see a midwife it will be under very different circumstances... Will it be a day, a week or 3 weeks? God only knows.

So blessed :)

What is worse than not being able to breathe properly from persistent kicking of your ribs and lungs?

Having a blocked nose at the same time.

Alas, the dreaded cold has overcome my vulnerable state on the eve of Christmas eve, but the state of pregnancy has somehow mysterious left me with blocked passages whenever I lie me down to sleep.

Nonetheless I am so thankful, for health and strength thus far, and for relatively good healthcare.

Really looking forward to tomorrow. The dear family back home has bought me a prenatal spa day and I'm looking forward to some relaxation in late pregnancy. I have survived Christmas thus far, which was a blissfully quiet affair, so let tomorrow pass without any signs of labour. Tomorrow we also get to see our little girl again on the ultrasound scan, our 5th, for which I'm grateful. Jehovah knows our hearts' worries and despite a low-risk and healthy 38 weeks, we have been given 3 more scans than normal. She was a bit small at the last scan, and we got a bit of a scare, but God also sent us an angel to accompany us, someone from church we can trust who is possibly the most qualified midwife in that particular hospital we have been assigned to. I mean, something like 134,000 are born in London each year...

Another surprise, or shock I got today was how generous some people I barely know are. I was made by my boss to put a baby list together some weeks ago, which I did by pulling some wishful thinking and a large price range of a handful of items. The first baby shower came, and I actually got a cheque instead of anything on the list, which was strange but not a bad situation to be in. A week later at a team Christmas dinner, we got a baby monitor from the baby list, which was reasonably pricey but not to bad if shared by 8-10 pple. Still it was very nice. Today I thought I'd have a look on the list to see what other things I had put on, and to my horror, I discovered that every single item on the list had been purchased, by the same person...!!! This really scared me because the value of that list, even without the baby monitor, was stupidly high. I panicked and called John Lewis, who confirmed that all the items have indeed been purchased. To think that they has been unable to reach me as I had given them the wrong contact number (and subsequently ignored their email seeking yo clarify, thinking that the list was over and done with after the showers!) So I ring up my colleague hoping to persuade him to withdraw some of his purchases and he confirmed that there was no mistake, it was a combination of effort from the team and himself. What!!!! Thankfully one of the items has been discontinued but it was the cheapest item on the list! I really don't know what to think... On one hand I can't help but feel like there is an ulterior motive to this, to make me feel forever indebted to my job etc, but on the other hand I would really like to imagine that the intentions were fully positive and something I should graciously accept. I'm sure there is some sort of etiquette to deal with this sort of thing.

There is more. Singaporean friends whom we've met in the UK also organised us a baby shower afternoon tea. I can't believe that 21 people turned up for that and they gave us a generous gift card too. More importantly, the kind thoughts behind it all was really what touched our hearts. E also gave us a handknit cardigan and hat, how precious! Of course, other people in church have also helped us and given us more than we ever deserved... We received 2 handmade baby blankets months before, little baby clothes for christmas and "courier service" for a car seat base we snagged off eBay. These practical help are much appreciated individually, but when thought of in sum are overwhelming altogether!

Of course, family back home are also as eager to get in the action. I know the in-laws, the mom, the sisters and even my grandmother have all prepared gifts. More than the gifts, it's the love driving these actions that make us feel so blessed.

Lastly, the husband has been accommodating to some of my whims and fancies, offering to prepare dinner more often, going headfirst into the crowds of chinatown to stock up on Chinese herbs for confinement, and springing up in the middle of the night when I get them horrible leg cramps. It must be very difficult not feeling as close to the baby physically, but he talks to her in the nights and tells her off for being so hyperactive. Which is kinda sweet I guess!

So tonight, as the clock indicates the opening of the window in which the stork may drop her, and the anxious anticipation swells, I think on the manifold blessings that this child has already brought, and I can't help but smile through my heavy breaths.

Baby you are so blessed!

11/12/13 - 3, 2, 1.... go!

Dear little one,

This scene melted my heart this morning! The daddy has decided to wash the 1st batch of clothes, and the little bodysuits and sleepsuits on the drying rack was a bit of a reality check... Although this might become a more regular sight sooner than we think! 

4.5 weeks to go, but in reality you at at term in 1.5 weeks. We are getting worried now that you will make your grand entrance early, so we have stepped up the buying frenzy and suddenly in the space of a couple of weeks your bedroom is full of stuff! All still in their boxes and original packaging of course, but still... We're almost ready for you! I even bought your first pack of nappies yesterday!

We had 2 baby showers for you over the past few days, people have been very kind to us and we are so thankful. 

Are you going to give us one more quiet Christmas and New Year? Will you hold out till 2014? Not long more... In the meantime, stay active, stay small (but pls don't fall off the charts!) and stay tight in there...!!!

55 days

went for a whole day antenatal class yesterday, and must say that everything sounds pretty daunting, but doable :) 

can't wait to get these 6 weeks of work done and over with.

in the meantime i need to look forward to putting on 0.5kg a week cos apparently baby is only half the size she is supposed to be now - how on earth can that be? i think she's more than big enough now thankyouverymuch. 

just a few more weekends left to do whatever else we need to do before we can't get on with them... the Ledbury last Sat was lovely. it is one restaurant i've been wanting to go for a long time, but never got down to it because it's on the other side of London. The service is first class, a rarity in London and they kindly considered everything, smoking the duck ham twice to ensure it's cooked thoroughly, giving me special pasteurised milk butter, etc, and the food was a perfect 10/10! I would go back in a jiffy (considering it is actually incredibly reasonably priced for a 2-star michelin restaurant especially when you don't order any alcohol) but i don't think that's even a remote possibility for a long time! 

also a few more weekends left to buy the ultra expensive big ticket items we have been putting off for way too long. Bring on the baby all-terrain tank! it's a good thing that the MIL has given up waiting for us to get our act together and went ahead and bought a ton of clothes and other things for us, haha. 

81 pills for 83 days

Bought the last instalment of vitamins/folic acid/omega 3 dunno-whats which should last till D-day, except that D-day is a bit of moving target! Just please let me have one last quiet Christmas, and no drama of having to go to hospital from work... 

Is she really going to triple in weight between now and then? Oh dear.

So many questions, so many things to do and an ever-quickening countdown to a new life (literally!)... So much mixed emotion of apprehension and anticipation. 

So sweet!!!

wanna be a professional sportswoman?

Dear baby,

At the rate you are going, it looks like we are in for big trouble when you finally meet us. You have been moving non-stop day and night, with seemingly no pattern whatsoever. More so in the last week, when you movements became strong enough for daddy to feel them himself! Keep moving tho, I quite like it, because then I know you're OK. It also reminds me of myself, always on the move, but don't become like me though!

Today was a big day for us. We saw you on the ultrascan - your little feet, long legs, little nose and face. In a somewhat skeletal form... But no matter, it's amazing how you have grown, what a miracle of life, praise God!

We also found out more about you today, that your daddy has gifted you the x chromosome, so you are a girl! I think he is over the moon, because he had always wished for a little girl but dared not hope for one. He had already named you years before you were even conceived, but of course that's a secret for the rest of the world. I guess this is a tiny little bit like God naming and electing His children before the foundation of the world, except He has perfect knowledge of everything.

Straight after the hospital appointment I went to the office (you made me miss a client meeting, but it was definitely worth it). Then I told my boss L about you. I was so scared that he would take it badly because he's quite a workaholic, but thank God for guiding him to react in a contrary manner! I even saw the human side of him then. What a relief, but its not over and I have to keep hiding you for another few days or week. There is another boss, and the rest of the office to tell... Now I'm confident that God will see me through this, because you are a gift from him in the first place!

Enough for today, but hopefully see you again soon, in Singapore! We are flying next week, I hope you are used you planes by now!

Till then, keep on moving, don't stop moving.... xxx

Did you ever talk to God above?

Did you ever talk to God above?

Tell Him that you need a friend to love.

Pray in Jesus’ name believing

that God answers prayer.

Have you told Him all your cares and woes?

Ev’ry tiny little fear He knows.

You can know He’ll always hear

And He will answer prayer.

You can whisper in a crowd to Him.

You can cry when you’re alone to Him.

You don’t have to pray out loud to Him;

He knows your thoughts.

On a lofty mountain peak, He’s there.

In a meadow by a stream, He’s there.

Anywhere on earth you go,

He’s been there from the start.

Find the answer in His Word; it’s true.

You’ll be strong because He walks with you.

By His faithfulness He’ll change you, too.

God answers prayer.

This has always been one of my favourite Sunday School songs. I've now decided that this will be our song (hear that, sista?) 

Now to keep singing it for the next 8 years, and more...gladly!