How i spent my last day of maternity leave

Bank holiday with all the family. The day started out as most other this last 4.5 months, giving Emma her morning feed, playing with her for a bit, putting her back to sleep and then trying to catch a few more winks, finally giving up when the rascal indicates that she's up for the day.

Then I ironed some work clothes, as I could no longer procrastinate any further.

With E being taken on a walk with the grandmother, we managed to curl up on the sofa to watch a couple of episodes of "Suits". I then managed to upload some photos from my camera and look through photos from the first 3 months with Emma. Perfect to provide some closure to an exciting time of my life.

For the first time ever, I was free from work, and I had grand plans to accomplish great things. A lot of them remained as plans, but I also took the opportunity to do some things I would otherwise not have had a chance too. Together with my very garang mummy, we managed to explore London by public transport and on tube, and I learnt that Emma could learn to incorporate herself into our lives. We brought the pram out, wheeled it into all sorts of places including a michelin-starred restaurant with unfriendly patrons, carried the heavy pram (and baby) up and down flights of stairs, and also walked a great deal with Emma strapped on in a sling (feels a bit like being pregnant again).

I also returned to Singapore and stayed for the longest time since I left it in 2009. Did a lot and very little at the same time there, probably best left for recollection another day.

I also managed to bake a cake tonight, in preparation for the MIL's birthday tomorrow. Wasn't a runaway success but not a complete trainwreck of a cheesecake, owell.

But just as the day was about to end and I was about to retire to the bedroom, I heard a very loud knock on the door, which sounded very urgent. Now I know that D was on the way back from the gym and he was trying to open the door (I heard the keys). So I thought that either the door was stuck or there was someone following him or something, so I rushed to open it but only slightly. I saw a rather lifeless him at the door, which I thought quite normal for someone returning from a hard workout at the gym, but in the same split second I saw his keys and phone on the floor and a face white as sheet. Like he had been stabbed. I instantly knew he was losing consciousness so I shouted at him to hold onto me. There was no reaction so he obviously couldn't hear me. I wanted to steady him but there was a big problem - I had Emma in my arms. On hindsight, there are several other ways I could have approached the emergency situation better, but what i did was try to grab him with one arm and Emma with the other. Only that I instantly discovered that I cannot support the weight of a man in that position and I nearly dropped Emma in the process, only managing to hang on to her thighs as she did a backflip in my arms towards the ground. Instinctively I pushed D towards the corner wall hoping it would somehow cushion the fall, and rescued the baby. Then I shouted for help. By the time help came (in the form of the MIL to help carry E), D was already on the floor, still white and very dazed. The recovery took a good while. Thankfully he's fine now. He says that he now has more compassion for me when I faint........ *sigh*

A million thoughts race through my mind as I close my eyes to sleep. Apprehension about going back to work, fear of the struggle to balance work load and family, worry about how the baby will be fed from henceforth, etc etc. I am also incredibly thankful to God for preserving D's life and the reminder that we owe everything including our very breath to God. What if no one heard the door knocks, what if he collapsed right outside the door of his own home and never woke up? What if I had really dropped E and D subsequently collapsed on her? We were preserved from any worse outcome. Thank God that it is by His mercies that we are still well, so may tomorrow and tomorrows be lived for Him.

Tea

It was a huge effort to put together E's afternoon tea. The baking frenzy started 3 days before. Thankfully most of the bakes turned out quite decent, so I thought I should put down the recipes I used here for future reference...

1. Japanese Souffle Cheesecake

Recipe: http://justonecookbook.com/recipes/japanese-cheesecake/

Modifications: I used 5 eggs instead of 6 as the husband said it was too eggy the first time round

2. Crepe Pancakes

Recipe: http://www.nigella.com/recipes/view/CREPES-5303

Notes: ensure that the pan is super hot before starting out; the first crepe is usually a disaster.

Fillings: Fresh Strawberries, fresh bananas, nutella, honey, cheese, anything!

3. Mini scones with/without raisins

Recipe: http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/4622/classic-scones-with-jam-and-clotted-cream

Notes: Heat milk first before adding lemon juice! Always bake and serve fresh the same day.

4. Chocolate Brownies

Recipe: http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/chocolate-recipes/bloomin-brilliant-brownies

Notes: Use good quality chocolate (green & black's) and good quality pure cocoa powder

5. Banana Walnut Cake

Recipe: http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/700633/banana-and-walnut-cake

Notes: Roast Walnuts first, I only used 100g, also probably better to chop the ones inside the cake up. Also use overripe bananas or the taste will not be as strong/sweet

The whole works, including the sandwiches which my mummy lovingly prepared (egg mayo & watercress; honey roasted ham and cheese)

Baking success, yay! Next time I can try the cupcakes as well but wasn't brave enough this time so they were store-bought from Lola's (buy 9 get 3 free) and Candy Cakes (9 for £7.50, mini-sized)and oh-so-yummy!

Who is that girl I see...

...Staring straight back at me?

I think it must be a really scary feeling being new to mirrors. As I carry E in her favourite position, being upright against me, I cannot see her face and have to use the mirror to check what she's up to. I think I see a crazy, almost petrified, look in her eyes as she stares at the mirror, for I know she recognises me but then hears my voice come from a different direction. Worse, she sees a stranger, that is, herself, being carried in my arms. Of course she's too young to grasp the concept of mirrors, so this line from the Mulan song holds literal meaning for her. She doesn't recognise herself.

In another literal application, I look in the mirror and see double sometimes. I catch little expressions and actions that are exactly identical to mine own, but performed by my little girl. In fact, I think she looks a lot like me when I was little, but people who knew me when I was little don't seem to think so.

In deeper reflection, what have I become? A mother. The high calling that demands more, more and more. Thank God for seeing me through 3 whole months. On the monthsary we "celebrated" by having Indian takeaway for dinner, just like on the night E was born. Glad to report that we are all still alive and kicking (E more so than us) with no major ailment befallen yet! Watching her daily brings so much joy, that renders all the other troubles quite small. Cliché, but true.

The waiting game - part one

"As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all."

Ecclesiastes 11:5

The formation of a whole human form with its complex features and functions is a miracle! The miracle of life is the amazing handiwork of an all-wise God.

Thank You for the privilege of being able to feel this wonderful development in the flesh. May I learn to stand amazed in His presence, and wait patiently for the rest of His works to unfold.

Saw the midwife (or should I say midhusband) today. Apparently she is only 1/5 engaged so it might be a while yet, though I still have this niggly feeling it is imminent. I hate surprises but this is completely out of anyone's control now, except the Lord's. If I make it to the next appointment she will be overdue, so it could well be that the next time I see a midwife it will be under very different circumstances... Will it be a day, a week or 3 weeks? God only knows.