the black trousers of memories

on the first work day of the new year, i woke up, thinking i would start the new year afresh, bright and early without rushing to work. 

of course that didn't happen. i was sleepy and tired, and late as usual. at a loss of what to wear, as usual, i reach for the my faithful black trousers that has lasted me so many years... maybe it was a new year thing that causes one to become more sentimental, all these thought about being one year older, another year away from family, etc etc...

so the story of the black trousers began back in 2007. I was about to embark on my first internship at IE Singapore , and the night before I was to start, for some reason I decided that i needed a pair of black work trousers. It was a Sunday night and mummy was out of town on a mission trip. So Daddy took on  Mummy's usual role, and we went to Robinson's centre point on a mission. Only problem was they were all really expensive (at that time), but I really didn't want to spend $60 on a pair of trousers, but Daddy was ever-supportive, and the ever-patient passive shopper. He hung around the ladies section while i looked (as he usually does when he's out with 4 ladies, haha).... and then he made his comments and gave his opinion. We bought it in the end because he said this was a good pair of trousers which would last a long time, and he was right of course. It has since lasted me 2 internships and almost 4 years of work. I would reach for it every couple of weeks without a second thought. but this time i thought of this little simple incident and I missed my daddy. He put down what he was doing on a sunday night after dinner, went down with me to town, and spent a fortune (for someone whose lunch budget was something like $20 a week) on a whim of his daughter who thought she was to embark of a career which turned out not to be. 

it all sounds very trivial now but it's amazing the little things we remember and the acts of love in them. hope my dear family is off to a great start to 2013!    

God hath not promised

First heard this more than 10 years back, shared by a dear friend when i was going through one of my rough patches as a 13 or 14 year-old. don't even remember what it was now, but it's funny how our problems always seem so big as grow up...

Beautiful poem / hymn which i was reminded of over the last couple of weeks.

(1) God hath not promised skies always blue,

Flower strewn pathways all our lives through;

God hath not promised sun without rain,

Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God hath promised strength for the day,

Rest for the labor, light for the way,

Grace for the trials, help from above,

Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

(2) God hath not promised we shall not know

Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;

He hath not told us we shall not bear

Many a burden, many a care.

(3) God hath not promised smooth road and wide,

Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;

Never a mountain rocky and steep,

Never a river turbid and deep.

2011 stocktake - a mixed but very full bag

It's time again to pause to remember, as the curtains will soon come down on the spectacular show that was 2011. For me this year, the running theme was "surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life" (Ps 23:6)

Don't know how I survived this year except by the preserving hand of a faithful God. It was certainly eventful and filled with many new experiences. Time for the flashbacks:

January - Fresh back from the trip to Singapore for 2 weddings and Christmas, and gearing up for wedding dress hunting. Pretty much every weekday night was spent researching, and every Saturday spent going around to extremely faraway places I wouldn't normally go to look for that perfect dress, enabling me to explore this great city in a little bit more detail. My journey took me down to Ebbsfleet in Kent, and to Finsbury Park in a Jewish neighbourhood, somewhere else up north, to the expensive Bond Street in Central London, and finally to Wimbledon, where I finally settled, and ended up going quite a few more times. A pity this was mostly done alone. At work, I experienced my first round of retrenchments, and lost my line manager.

February - Night classes for CFA started in earnest. Counting on myself to study on my own accord was a non-starter; going for classes twice a week was tough enough, save for the fact that I could leave work at 5.55pm to make the sprint across Canary Wharf to the tallest building in London where I was cooped up for the next 3 hours. Finally got down to buying the wedding dress.

March - David got a surprise last minute Assessment Centre invitation, and subsequently got some interviews and finally a job! Looked like God wanted us to be in London for a while.

April - SUPER busy month. I had too many holiday from 2010 (can you believe it) so I took a week off and we went to Porto for 4 days. It was a very nice and quiet town with perfect weather. The next day we went to this cool restaurant with opera-trained waiters for dinner. Unbeknownst to me, ah gong was fighting for his life in hospital. Someone (I think it was Sheryl's facebook actually) finally prompted me that something wasn't right early the next week. Spoke to mum about going home, but she said it wasn't necessary. Early the next morning I got woken up by a call to say my final words and for the 1st time ever, I went to the office at 7.30am and booked a flight for that afternoon. I promptly missed the flight and had to re-book another to fly that night instead. While getting from Gatwick airport (where I missed my flight) to Heathrow airport (where the next flight was to be), Ah Gong breathed his last. By the time I arrived home the next day, I only saw brave but tired dry eyes all around until the day of the funeral, but was glad to be back home anyway. It so happened I spent Good Friday and Easter in Singapore but have hardly any recollection of it - church life in singapore is a mess for my family. Upon getting back to London, I went to up to Warwick the following weekend - the weekend Wills married Kate. CFA studies was in shambles - missed too many classes so I actually had to spend some time on my own catching up.

May - Bank holidays wasted on studying for the CFA. Got reminded that trying to sit at the table for the whole day to study is too ambitious as it was never my forte. Got a week of study leave, which I promptly filled with a wedding dress fitting and other various appointments. The sun was out and the weather was gorgeous, but I did spend the rest of the time indoors studying for the exam that I really regretted signing up for. On the brighter side, we received news that we got a HDB flat!

June - The exam happened on the 1st Sat. I have been in large exam halls, but not one with 2000 people, it was overwhelming, but thankfully the exam went well. I even lent the guy beside me my spare calculator and trusted my 6 year old one to do its job. Took a trip to Birmingham to see Sabrina, went down to Lewes for a combined fellowship meeting and stayed the night - really loved it. Took a day off to do our pre-wedding photoshoot. The whole time David was very stressed about his dissertation. I also became a member of the Free Presbyterian Church of Ulster this month at the constitution of our congregation in London. One of my closest colleagues resigned and left - she taught me almost everything I knew at work.

July - David's mum comes over for 2 weeks and stays with me. It was a weird but sufficiently pleasant experience. We went up to Cambridge for one of the poshest weddings I've ever been to; was also my first English wedding. Our mummies helped us choose our HDB flat back in Singapore; the next week, David's mum chose us a flat in London. Just like that, we had 2 flats in 2 weeks. What blessedness. I think I got my CFA results as well.

August - Frantic house-packing, household goods purchases, and wedding planning all in one. Professionally, I experienced a second round of retrenchment, I lost another colleague on my team - more frantic times at work. Just as I was trying to focus on my various night jobs, the day job ate into more hours of the evening than it ever had; I got very little sleep that month. Still, at the end of August, I went up to Warwick for the 3rd and final time to help David move down to London. We went to Warwick Castle and Stratford-upon-Avon on the way back. We moved all of David's stuff from Warwick and some of my stuff from my old flat in a Fiat 500 (the smallest car you have ever seen). There is no furniture in the new place but David moved in anyway and sleeps in the floor. He also started work (training) at RBS.

September - Possibly the shortest month of the year. My 1st 10 days was spent sorting out my house-move (the admin, moving bills, setting up new internet and the actual moving). Man have I accumulated a whole load of stuff in just 2 years. I remember my life here started with just 46kg, and realise what a big fat hoarder I am. I move into the new flat for 4 mad days (by this time there are beds in both bedrooms) where the nights after work were spent wedding planning, unpacking slightly (and trying to remember where I had packed things away in my previous scurry), packing for the trip to Singapore, and more wedding stuff. It was a very very rough time at work and I really wanted to quit there and then. The last Sunday before I left the church gave me a big surprise "send-off" even though I was actually only gone for 3 weeks. In their eyes I was going to return a different person, and I guess they knew more about marriage than I did. I also got a surprise hen party from some of my colleagues, I was so touched. I got back to Singapore 2 weeks before the wedding and it was nothing short of ultimate insanity. There was no time for any meet-ups like I planned. Heck, there was still no time for sleep. There was though, time for a Bridal shower which again prompted me to count my blessings in the wonderful friends who've remained friends after many many years.

October - Got married, with all the pomp that came with it. 1 October was the shortest but longest day of my life. I still remember all the details (which I should really pen down soon before they start fizzling away). All the (mostly last minute) preparations came together in the end, not always in the most ideal way, but by that time I just took whatever I could get and lived with it. Pictures and videos survive to tell the tale (if and when I ever get my hands on them). Overall a joyous day though there were some minor disappointments which I had to consciously choose to brush aside. Finally had a break and a holiday (after Porto oh so long ago). Koh Samui left a deep, positive impression on me, so much so that I actually said to David, more than once, that I would love to go back again. Perhaps it is because I will now always associate it with the relief and rest I found there after all those crazy months. The 4 days was what we had to contend with for our honeymoon and it was soon back to London and to work. Things had gotten worse at work, and I spent a few miserable weeks catching up on what had piled up. Back home, I had to get used to the idea that my room is not really mine to call my own anymore. Didn't help that we still had no furniture apart from the beds which means no unpacking can be done and there was stuff and boxes everywhere. We received our 1st visitors 1 day and 2 weeks after coming home, respectively. I finally stopped playing the organ every single Sunday because we finally got sort of a roster going, while I was away. Hello singing! Visited the London Zoo and finally saw the Giraffe David adopted for my 2010 birthday. David turned 26 and I had a cake all ready, except that he didn't come home from work till 11.30pm.

November - The clocks moved back and it starts to get dark earlier in the afternoon. The only bright spark at work was a session with Boris Becker, which I guess made up for the fact that we didn't buy tickets to the ATP finals this year. I turned a quarter of a century, to no fanfare. It was a Sunday so we had our usual 4 hour commute to and from church, and that was pretty much the whole day. But I got a birthday present and a slice of cake from the husband! Both of us were pretty much swamped with work and had little time to spend together apart from sleep time, which we're only reminded of by the occasional jolt or head crash. Still need to get used to this sleeping arrangement. Had to spend some obligatory time with a visiting friend, so went to Canterbury for 1 Saturday and some nights out, which was nice but added to the fatigue. Also attended a 2nd wedding one weekend and took a trip down to New Haven for a surprise birthday party another weekend. Spoke very little to the family back home in Singapore because of the sheer impossibility.

December - The long-awaited Christmas holidays finally came around, but not before a very hectic work schedule, made worse by a plethora of pre-Christmas dinners / meet-ups / parties. Don't get me wrong, they were all nice in their own right, but one a night for 2 weeks can get quite tiring, especially if work wasn't slowing down like it was meant to! But I had my first department Christmas Party, at what we thought was a swanky place in town but turned out not to be. I left at 9pm before the real seedy stuff started happening. Went to 2 excellent museums - the National Gallery as well and the Imperial War Museum. Christmas itself was rather quiet, and finally allowed for some alone time. We cooked a pre-prepared Turkey Breast for our Christmas dinner, and I also had my first Christmas pudding. The weekend at home also reminded me that I had quite enough of sitting and eating on the floor. We had put off buying furniture in anticipation of the post-Christmas sales, but they have been disappointing thus far. We need to bite the bullet now and just get some stuff or I will go crazy. The work year has finally ended - another blow for the team as my boss resigned and left; but for me personally on a positive note after a depressing year as I got a positive appraisal for the year, thank God.

So, much has transpired in the span of a single year. 2011 has been extremely colourful; if ever I look back at my life at some point in the future, I hope never to use the word 'boring' to describe it. Whilst many of the experiences described above was me "going solo", I don't really remember feeling that alone, because I always rested in the blessed knowledge that "along the road of life I have a Friend divine, who walks with me and always leads the way..."

As I flip the page on the calendar, I feel ever so thankful and glad. Each of these events have been a blessing in its own peculiar way - the happy ones are self-explanatory, the sad ones I at least got to share with loved ones, and the difficult ones hopefully made me stronger (since they didn't kill). Truly it was goodness and mercy that led me through, and not my own as I have none. The Source of all goodness and mercy is Jehovah, and he continually provides. Jehovah Jireh.

2012 - what will you bring? I guess I needn't hold my breath for much longer, though life always unfolds in a way you least expect.

I'm so excited!

Dear Diary (13 Apr)

13 Apr 11

Dear Diary,

Today, Ah Gong died. While the rest of the family was gathered at his bedside as he slipped away, there I was, 10,000 miles away, frantically trying to find a way home.

But I didn’t make it in time.

Was still on the way to Heathrow when Sharon told me that he was gone.

My last words to him, in very broken hokkien, was a mixture of “wait for me to come back today”, “please believe in Jesus now, don’t’ delay, there’s no more time”, and “remember I’m getting married this year?” and then I couldn’t say anymore, I didn’t know what else to say. Aunt Carrie sounded distraught enough, telling me in a hurry to speak to Ah Gong because he was passing away, and that was 7.20am in the morning. He finally went his way at 4.15pm. (All London times)

I’m still waiting for the flight, after missing the 1^st one I booked for this afternoon. Can’t seem to do anything. I didn’t bring any book, save the CFA, which I have absolutely no heart to read. I didn’t pack much with me this time, travelling light for once. After all, when it’s a matter of life and death, how much can one carry?

I’m not sure what Ah Gong left behind in material terms. He worked hard all his life, especially in the earlier days. Ah Ma used to tell me the stories of how he would do back-breaking coolie work to feed the family of 5 children. He was always skinny from the time I knew him, his lean fame definitely carrying more muscle than fat. It didn’t take me very many years to overtake him in weight. At his healthiest, he was 45kg at most. The grandparents had a large role to play in bringing Sharon and I up, given how much time we spent with them before and after kindergarten each day (remembering that school only lasted 3 hours then). They gave us breakfast, lunch and dinner, and we used to be at their place everyday. This has now evolved into a Friday night tradition, where the whole family gathers for a meal every Friday night, only missing out in exceptional circumstances. Any attempts to arrive late would be thwarted by his constant phone calls. He must have looked forward so much to having everyone together. Ah Gong’s culinary skills were top-notch, and he used to rule the kitchen, making all kinds of food from sting-ray on freshly plucked banana leaf, crabs, the clams we used to pick from Kranji beach, curry, and the best egg toufu with ketchup dish in the world. But he stopped cooking quite a few years ago. That was when his health started to fail him. He has been in and out of hospital since, and never really recovered fully.

Ah Gong was also very cool. He used to have the funkiest things like tinted glasses, chunky rings and crocs. He had no qualms walking to the market to have a sit down meal alone, where we bumped into him a few times. In his latter years he also had a mobile phone with a very cool ringtone. I also remember him asking me to help him put Ah Ma’s picture on his phone wall, which was very sweet. He didn’t get much education, but he tried to teach us English when we were in kindergarten, copying out months and days of the week from the calendar, practicing with us.

He was also a true adventurer, and really the 1^st one in our family to migrate. Coming to Singapore from the sleepy fishing village of Pulau Ketam was his idea. He came, found work, and went back to bring his family over. Just a few weeks ago, he insisted on making a trip back there, which my parents obliged in taking him. I hear that he endured the whole journey in the car and was truly happy to have made it there. Maybe at that point he knew the battery bar was running low.

The only thing that remains a mystery, and will continually haunt us for the rest of our lifetimes, was whether he was saved. He has heard the Gospel many times, but never wanted to believe, mostly because he was afraid about how the rest of the relatives would view him. Afterall, he used to be the Taoist medium who got into scary trances. Apparently, Uncle Kelvin and Auntie Bee Pheng spoke to him a few days ago, and he nodded twice, when asked twice if he wanted to believe. That is a huge reaction, considering the next day he could only move his eyes. He did try to react by closing his eyes when my mum mentioned Jesus, which could be taken in 2 senses. The whole day today, I prayed that the Lord would be gracious to him and not harden his soul any longer. If he had been snatched from Satan’s grip, even at the jaws of death, then God could take him away into eternity even if I don’t make it home in time. Because I know it would be goodnight, not goodbye. I didn’t make it home, but I’m not sure if it’s a prayer answered. Afterall, who am I that God should listen to me?

I don’t know what to do when I get back, and I’m not sure I’m prepared for what I’m about to witness. But no amount of preparation will prepare one for the final moment. Yet, I can’t wait to be home, to be with the family. It is truly a big family that has gone through thick and thin together. That was one wonderful thing Ah Gong left behind, one that surpasses everything else. I love all of them, and I know we all miss Ah Gong already.

Now get me on that plane; it will be the longest flight of my life but I know at the end of it is a family that grieves together.

Heathrow Airport Terminal 3

London

1929h

I miss Singing

Haven't used them vocal cords in ages, a huge contrast from a year and a half ago, when my entire weekends were actually filled with choir practices.

Occurred to me today that I haven't actually sung any song at all in a long long time. It's not really that I have no song to sing, but no occasion to. In church, I'm stuck at the organ every time I'm there and there's definitely no room for multitasking on that monster. At home, I don't really want she-who-must-not-be-named to hear me.

Miss the good old times back home when we would always burst into song. Someone would start humming a tune very softly, and very soon, another person would pick it up and start "stealing" the other person's song. When we got bored with work (which was quite often) we would often sit at the piano, play and sing something together. Sometimes we would go through an entire book and sing everything in it, just for fun.

Listened to the CD we cut back in 2006 on the way to church. Obviously it didnt sound very professional at all, but just hearing the blend (or lack thereof) of voices made me feel quite sad. I heard my own voice, and nearly couldnt recognise it anymore. TBH it could very well have been sharon's or karen's voice I can't tell, and I can't remember which parts I sang for each song.

I wish I could sing again, I wish I could play nice songs on the piano. I miss just sitting at the piano and trying to figure out how a song went. And this is the closest example I have: imperfect, for it was unpracticed, but therein lies the beauty of spontaneity. This was back in February when I was home for 2 weeks, and Sharon said she had bought a scorebook for duets and was waiting for me to come home and play with her (i think this is just the 1st half of the song before the complications kicked in...heh):

It is a privilege to sing, and a greater privilege when there are people to sing with. Why do people not want to sing in church, or at YF? I can't understand.