a new chapter

tomorrow, i start a new job. 

i never thought i'd say this while still in London. once again i'm reminded how divine providence has led me to my first job, new city, new life et al. i had assumed that i would eventually move back home still in the same job, having settled in comfortably. too comfortably, perhaps. 

then came the numerous interviews, both for practice and for exploration purposes. many doors were closed because of many reasons. again, it was divine providence that has led me through the next open door. it was not the easiest of decisions and it had not gone all smoothly, but I believe that God's timing is perfect and He will see everything through perfectly. the husband has been incredibly supportive through the process and it was partially his firm conviction that it was the right move that also convinced me that this was a step in the right direction.

we shall see starting tomorrow.

obviously i leave the old shop with many fond memories, some not-so-fond ones, many good people met (in the professional sense) and some not-so-good ones. i hope i had made a positive impact on the job and the people around me. I hope that I have kept up my testimony and that it had a positive impact on the lives i have interacted with. 

a new challenge to build up a christian testimony in another un-christian workplace starts imminently. 

so much has happened in the last couple of months, absolutely hectic days and nights, as well as a 2 week break in which i had grand plans but small accomplishments. 

i had planned to become all domesticated, but in reality, all i had achieved were: (1) cook lasagna, which is super hard work (2) bake a victoria sponge, which is almost impossible without a proper mixing bowl  (3) attended a funeral and ventured in the car alone to enfield (4) some small household chores which i could have done in any normal weekend anyway (5) go to billingsgate market early in the morning and bought some fresh seafood, returning home before D even woke up for work (6) met new colleagues, old colleagues and friends for meals (7) visited N and kids on a weekday afternoon (8) brought aunt and uncle around (9) went to the V&A museum, finally (10) watched a lot of tennis on TV (11) went to paris for the Roland Garros. 

time to snap out of the holiday mode and get down to plenty of hard work!!! please help me, God.

the black trousers of memories

on the first work day of the new year, i woke up, thinking i would start the new year afresh, bright and early without rushing to work. 

of course that didn't happen. i was sleepy and tired, and late as usual. at a loss of what to wear, as usual, i reach for the my faithful black trousers that has lasted me so many years... maybe it was a new year thing that causes one to become more sentimental, all these thought about being one year older, another year away from family, etc etc...

so the story of the black trousers began back in 2007. I was about to embark on my first internship at IE Singapore , and the night before I was to start, for some reason I decided that i needed a pair of black work trousers. It was a Sunday night and mummy was out of town on a mission trip. So Daddy took on  Mummy's usual role, and we went to Robinson's centre point on a mission. Only problem was they were all really expensive (at that time), but I really didn't want to spend $60 on a pair of trousers, but Daddy was ever-supportive, and the ever-patient passive shopper. He hung around the ladies section while i looked (as he usually does when he's out with 4 ladies, haha).... and then he made his comments and gave his opinion. We bought it in the end because he said this was a good pair of trousers which would last a long time, and he was right of course. It has since lasted me 2 internships and almost 4 years of work. I would reach for it every couple of weeks without a second thought. but this time i thought of this little simple incident and I missed my daddy. He put down what he was doing on a sunday night after dinner, went down with me to town, and spent a fortune (for someone whose lunch budget was something like $20 a week) on a whim of his daughter who thought she was to embark of a career which turned out not to be. 

it all sounds very trivial now but it's amazing the little things we remember and the acts of love in them. hope my dear family is off to a great start to 2013!    

2011 stocktake - a mixed but very full bag

It's time again to pause to remember, as the curtains will soon come down on the spectacular show that was 2011. For me this year, the running theme was "surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life" (Ps 23:6)

Don't know how I survived this year except by the preserving hand of a faithful God. It was certainly eventful and filled with many new experiences. Time for the flashbacks:

January - Fresh back from the trip to Singapore for 2 weddings and Christmas, and gearing up for wedding dress hunting. Pretty much every weekday night was spent researching, and every Saturday spent going around to extremely faraway places I wouldn't normally go to look for that perfect dress, enabling me to explore this great city in a little bit more detail. My journey took me down to Ebbsfleet in Kent, and to Finsbury Park in a Jewish neighbourhood, somewhere else up north, to the expensive Bond Street in Central London, and finally to Wimbledon, where I finally settled, and ended up going quite a few more times. A pity this was mostly done alone. At work, I experienced my first round of retrenchments, and lost my line manager.

February - Night classes for CFA started in earnest. Counting on myself to study on my own accord was a non-starter; going for classes twice a week was tough enough, save for the fact that I could leave work at 5.55pm to make the sprint across Canary Wharf to the tallest building in London where I was cooped up for the next 3 hours. Finally got down to buying the wedding dress.

March - David got a surprise last minute Assessment Centre invitation, and subsequently got some interviews and finally a job! Looked like God wanted us to be in London for a while.

April - SUPER busy month. I had too many holiday from 2010 (can you believe it) so I took a week off and we went to Porto for 4 days. It was a very nice and quiet town with perfect weather. The next day we went to this cool restaurant with opera-trained waiters for dinner. Unbeknownst to me, ah gong was fighting for his life in hospital. Someone (I think it was Sheryl's facebook actually) finally prompted me that something wasn't right early the next week. Spoke to mum about going home, but she said it wasn't necessary. Early the next morning I got woken up by a call to say my final words and for the 1st time ever, I went to the office at 7.30am and booked a flight for that afternoon. I promptly missed the flight and had to re-book another to fly that night instead. While getting from Gatwick airport (where I missed my flight) to Heathrow airport (where the next flight was to be), Ah Gong breathed his last. By the time I arrived home the next day, I only saw brave but tired dry eyes all around until the day of the funeral, but was glad to be back home anyway. It so happened I spent Good Friday and Easter in Singapore but have hardly any recollection of it - church life in singapore is a mess for my family. Upon getting back to London, I went to up to Warwick the following weekend - the weekend Wills married Kate. CFA studies was in shambles - missed too many classes so I actually had to spend some time on my own catching up.

May - Bank holidays wasted on studying for the CFA. Got reminded that trying to sit at the table for the whole day to study is too ambitious as it was never my forte. Got a week of study leave, which I promptly filled with a wedding dress fitting and other various appointments. The sun was out and the weather was gorgeous, but I did spend the rest of the time indoors studying for the exam that I really regretted signing up for. On the brighter side, we received news that we got a HDB flat!

June - The exam happened on the 1st Sat. I have been in large exam halls, but not one with 2000 people, it was overwhelming, but thankfully the exam went well. I even lent the guy beside me my spare calculator and trusted my 6 year old one to do its job. Took a trip to Birmingham to see Sabrina, went down to Lewes for a combined fellowship meeting and stayed the night - really loved it. Took a day off to do our pre-wedding photoshoot. The whole time David was very stressed about his dissertation. I also became a member of the Free Presbyterian Church of Ulster this month at the constitution of our congregation in London. One of my closest colleagues resigned and left - she taught me almost everything I knew at work.

July - David's mum comes over for 2 weeks and stays with me. It was a weird but sufficiently pleasant experience. We went up to Cambridge for one of the poshest weddings I've ever been to; was also my first English wedding. Our mummies helped us choose our HDB flat back in Singapore; the next week, David's mum chose us a flat in London. Just like that, we had 2 flats in 2 weeks. What blessedness. I think I got my CFA results as well.

August - Frantic house-packing, household goods purchases, and wedding planning all in one. Professionally, I experienced a second round of retrenchment, I lost another colleague on my team - more frantic times at work. Just as I was trying to focus on my various night jobs, the day job ate into more hours of the evening than it ever had; I got very little sleep that month. Still, at the end of August, I went up to Warwick for the 3rd and final time to help David move down to London. We went to Warwick Castle and Stratford-upon-Avon on the way back. We moved all of David's stuff from Warwick and some of my stuff from my old flat in a Fiat 500 (the smallest car you have ever seen). There is no furniture in the new place but David moved in anyway and sleeps in the floor. He also started work (training) at RBS.

September - Possibly the shortest month of the year. My 1st 10 days was spent sorting out my house-move (the admin, moving bills, setting up new internet and the actual moving). Man have I accumulated a whole load of stuff in just 2 years. I remember my life here started with just 46kg, and realise what a big fat hoarder I am. I move into the new flat for 4 mad days (by this time there are beds in both bedrooms) where the nights after work were spent wedding planning, unpacking slightly (and trying to remember where I had packed things away in my previous scurry), packing for the trip to Singapore, and more wedding stuff. It was a very very rough time at work and I really wanted to quit there and then. The last Sunday before I left the church gave me a big surprise "send-off" even though I was actually only gone for 3 weeks. In their eyes I was going to return a different person, and I guess they knew more about marriage than I did. I also got a surprise hen party from some of my colleagues, I was so touched. I got back to Singapore 2 weeks before the wedding and it was nothing short of ultimate insanity. There was no time for any meet-ups like I planned. Heck, there was still no time for sleep. There was though, time for a Bridal shower which again prompted me to count my blessings in the wonderful friends who've remained friends after many many years.

October - Got married, with all the pomp that came with it. 1 October was the shortest but longest day of my life. I still remember all the details (which I should really pen down soon before they start fizzling away). All the (mostly last minute) preparations came together in the end, not always in the most ideal way, but by that time I just took whatever I could get and lived with it. Pictures and videos survive to tell the tale (if and when I ever get my hands on them). Overall a joyous day though there were some minor disappointments which I had to consciously choose to brush aside. Finally had a break and a holiday (after Porto oh so long ago). Koh Samui left a deep, positive impression on me, so much so that I actually said to David, more than once, that I would love to go back again. Perhaps it is because I will now always associate it with the relief and rest I found there after all those crazy months. The 4 days was what we had to contend with for our honeymoon and it was soon back to London and to work. Things had gotten worse at work, and I spent a few miserable weeks catching up on what had piled up. Back home, I had to get used to the idea that my room is not really mine to call my own anymore. Didn't help that we still had no furniture apart from the beds which means no unpacking can be done and there was stuff and boxes everywhere. We received our 1st visitors 1 day and 2 weeks after coming home, respectively. I finally stopped playing the organ every single Sunday because we finally got sort of a roster going, while I was away. Hello singing! Visited the London Zoo and finally saw the Giraffe David adopted for my 2010 birthday. David turned 26 and I had a cake all ready, except that he didn't come home from work till 11.30pm.

November - The clocks moved back and it starts to get dark earlier in the afternoon. The only bright spark at work was a session with Boris Becker, which I guess made up for the fact that we didn't buy tickets to the ATP finals this year. I turned a quarter of a century, to no fanfare. It was a Sunday so we had our usual 4 hour commute to and from church, and that was pretty much the whole day. But I got a birthday present and a slice of cake from the husband! Both of us were pretty much swamped with work and had little time to spend together apart from sleep time, which we're only reminded of by the occasional jolt or head crash. Still need to get used to this sleeping arrangement. Had to spend some obligatory time with a visiting friend, so went to Canterbury for 1 Saturday and some nights out, which was nice but added to the fatigue. Also attended a 2nd wedding one weekend and took a trip down to New Haven for a surprise birthday party another weekend. Spoke very little to the family back home in Singapore because of the sheer impossibility.

December - The long-awaited Christmas holidays finally came around, but not before a very hectic work schedule, made worse by a plethora of pre-Christmas dinners / meet-ups / parties. Don't get me wrong, they were all nice in their own right, but one a night for 2 weeks can get quite tiring, especially if work wasn't slowing down like it was meant to! But I had my first department Christmas Party, at what we thought was a swanky place in town but turned out not to be. I left at 9pm before the real seedy stuff started happening. Went to 2 excellent museums - the National Gallery as well and the Imperial War Museum. Christmas itself was rather quiet, and finally allowed for some alone time. We cooked a pre-prepared Turkey Breast for our Christmas dinner, and I also had my first Christmas pudding. The weekend at home also reminded me that I had quite enough of sitting and eating on the floor. We had put off buying furniture in anticipation of the post-Christmas sales, but they have been disappointing thus far. We need to bite the bullet now and just get some stuff or I will go crazy. The work year has finally ended - another blow for the team as my boss resigned and left; but for me personally on a positive note after a depressing year as I got a positive appraisal for the year, thank God.

So, much has transpired in the span of a single year. 2011 has been extremely colourful; if ever I look back at my life at some point in the future, I hope never to use the word 'boring' to describe it. Whilst many of the experiences described above was me "going solo", I don't really remember feeling that alone, because I always rested in the blessed knowledge that "along the road of life I have a Friend divine, who walks with me and always leads the way..."

As I flip the page on the calendar, I feel ever so thankful and glad. Each of these events have been a blessing in its own peculiar way - the happy ones are self-explanatory, the sad ones I at least got to share with loved ones, and the difficult ones hopefully made me stronger (since they didn't kill). Truly it was goodness and mercy that led me through, and not my own as I have none. The Source of all goodness and mercy is Jehovah, and he continually provides. Jehovah Jireh.

2012 - what will you bring? I guess I needn't hold my breath for much longer, though life always unfolds in a way you least expect.

I'm so excited!

London - Looted and in Flames

I am absolutely speechless. A few nights ago (Thursday night in fact), I met a friend from JC who is in London for a few weeks for dinner. He asked me, "is London safe?". Without hesitation, I replied in the negative. Over the last 2 years, I've started to feel a little safer than when I first arrived. But I never felt completely at ease. Least of all when I pass through some of the most dangerous boroughs in the capital every week. But tonight has left me in disbelief that such uncivilised acts could take place in such a widespread manner in a supposedly civilised society.

In case you are wondering and are concerned, I'm safe, indoors and hope to remain so.

However, the scenes I see on the TV (laptop to be more exact) have been heartbreaking, frustrating and horrifying.

These are a (small part of a) generation of youths who have grown up in the "modern world". Technology has changed the way we think, communicate, and influence others. Or perhaps London is now facing up to years of unaddressed delinquency as loots destroy their very own neighbourhoods and communities. One reporter was asked by the studio, "what are the parents doing? why are the kids on the streets?" and the reply was "the kids are always on the streets". The scale of the problem is obviously far bigger and far more fundamental.

And so I've spent almost the whole night glued to the BBC news watching the events unfold all around me on TV and shaking my head way too often. Now, as I watch cars, buses, shops, and hundred-year-old landmark buildings go up in flames, and people shamelessly looting shops in broad daylight, I reflect on the depravity of man, and the extent of wickedness. These people obviously knew they were doing wrong, for they wore masks, balaclava and tshirts over their faces to avoid getting recognised on CCTV and to avoid suffering the consequences of their actions. The sad truth is that they will probably never be caught or face justice in the courts, but their conscience, if not already seared, will forever pierce them.

As buildings and vehicles burned all around the capital, with Hackney just a couple of miles north of here and Peckham and Lewisham not far south, I tried to imagine what hell would be like. Even in relatively decent neighbourhoods - directly across the capital from where the violence first stared in Croydon (SW Greater London) and Clapham Junction (quite an expensive hip area) - crazy people have gone on a rampage. The video footage from helicopters are terrifying enough, and the firemen stood very small beside flames many times their height which threatened to engulf them. Burnt out buildings are now threatening to collapse, and have to be pulled down and destroyed forever. Grand Dames of the high street that have stood for centuries, gone in an hour. Nothing is sure; nothing stands forever on this earth. Another lesson to never build with wood, hay or stubble.

Across the world over, there is bad news on every corner. The financial markets are in perpetual meltdown, there are uprisings all over - Syria, Libya, etc, and society is crumbling. This is truly a godless and perverse generation. The end is nigh? God, be merciful.

The Garden of Life

There are no flowers in the "garden", just some shrubs that form the natural wall that surrounds my flat and separates it from the public pathway.

Amazingly, we have not stepped out all too often, much less rendered any care to anything on it. Yet somehow, I noticed that weeds started to grow through the gaps in the concrete slabs, and I conveniently ignored it.

Winter came, they were quite resilient, event with the snow and frostbite temperatures.

Spring followed, and they continued growing, but I still wasn't too bothered - I figured that one day I'd go pull them all out at one go. I then promptly got caught up with the rest of life, and neglected to even look out of the window.

And then one day last week, i noticed that the weeds have now grown to a height that reached my waist, then i got worried that they would be too tough to pull out now.

Today, i decided to do a big clean-up. The weeds looked intimidating, and i protected my hands while yanking them out, yet i felt the slash across my palms as i pulled them out, roots et all (mostly, I suspect I didn't get some of them and they will regrow...). After that I spent a good 45mins trying to clear all the long-dead, dried orange leaves that have accumulated underneath the shrubs. Amongst the whole trash-bag full of dried leaves I also found at least 100 cigarrette butts, along with all sorts of trash like kitchen towels, plastic bags, containers, a Sony Bravia TV box (which I always knew was there because the wind kept playing with it and scared me with great noises in my sleep). No doubt the previous tenants had used the patio a lot more, and left a lot more behind. Who knows what went on in that "garden"?

I also found a host of creatures at the corner just outside my room, but that was just disgusting and I refuse to document what I saw.

I've never been a keen gardener. I only lasted an hour out there and didn't even manage to clear out all the leaves. I told myself that I'd come back out another day to finish the job. The big question is: when?

What an analogy of life -

who are the flowers in your garden of life?

who's the sun who even gives life to all creatures?

and what are the weeds you need to pull out today?

Happy 1 year anniversary to me!

today marks exactly 1 year in this country not as a tourist but a tax-paying resident.

my 1st week here was probably the best. i distinctly landing at heathrow at 5am on a Monday morning, and was surprised at how smoothly the baggage clearance went. hopped into the pre-booked cab, and i distinctly remember the strange of feeling of familiarity as the cab across the whole of central london, from west to east.

i remember the 1 day. arriving at sarah's and james' at about 7.30 in the morning. it was just another monday morning for them, and it wasnt time to wake up yet, but they dragged themselves out of bed and helped me to lug my heavy bags in, all 46kg. they then left me to sleep, which i did for a few hours. why not more, i don't know. i remember waking up thinking it was so surreal, and i didnt know what was ahead of me, or what i would do on the 1st day of a new life. but time went on, as it always does, and i found myself trying to take in the whole scene. i lazed around at home, still kinda jetlagged. i took a walk to the nearby roman road market, found an atm, and keyed in the 4 numbers making the pin i used to know quite well. thankfully it went through.

i remember the 1st night, when sarah and james got home, we had dinner and they said, "let's take a walk in the park after dinner". i couldnt believe my eyes - it was still bright as day at 9pm. the experience of the previous year seems quite a distant memory. within a year, sarah got mugged in the same park, and the length of day was shortened drastically.

people here are obsessed with the weather. the default weather is gloomy and bad. some days, it is good. and people REALLY cherish each day of sunshine in a way i've not quite appreciated. no ray of sunshine is spared and no inch of green grass uncovered when the sun was out. my days here have been like the weather - by default, quite dreary, lonely and mediocre. some days, i really think my dream of having an abundant life is going to come true. these are days when work goes well, and only takes place between the hours of 9am and 6pm. there is some time for shopping, cooking, exercising, and then relaxing - maybe reading a book or something. and i'd never be tired in the mornings because i'll go to bed early and have a full 8 hours. every night. but it was not to be, the independent life has also brought a whole wave of issues i always classed too "grown up" for me.

in the space of a year, i learnt about putting a roof over my head, and making sure it's functional all the time.

i also learnt that if you don't think about what you're going to put on the table, there's just going to be nothing there. period.

i learnt that dealing with people is the trickiest of skills to master, and that i should never expect people to treat me the same way i treat them, or i'll be disappointed. it is a lot easier to have a generous and "forgetful" heart, and never expect anything in return, then i might be pleasantly surprised once or twice. but i've also learnt that not every one you speak to on a daily basis automatically become friends. in fact, there is a time and place to be selective and to keep a distance.

i learnt that there is no room for falling ill in this country, and no one to fuss over me when i am, and it would be horrible. so i learnt to listen to my body and know when i'm coming down with something - and tackle it then. thank God there has been nothing full-blown yet.

i learnt that money has an unimaginable grip on people and can turn them into beasts. i re-learned that there is no profit for man to give anything in exchange for his soul. i learnt that the wager on the soul is so great, and the financial industry is a terrible industry to be in this respect. too much interaction with billions of dollars is not a good gauge of the real world. i need to stop adding letter abbreviations after a string of numbers.

i have learnt that self-pity doesn't get me anywhere. some things does not require any emotions, just get up and get on with it. it is an unfeeling world out there, and the other 6.999m other people in this city probably doesnt even know i exist.

i learnt that no one is going to tell me what I did wrong or right. only i am accountable to God and God alone. there's no point leading the superficial life and meaningless "eat, drink and be merry" life, like so many people do.

in so many ways i'm still the same old me, still can't stand inefficiency, still wanting to do way too many things, and still getting myself into situations i can't get out of.

but in a myriad of other ways i'm a new me, learning something new everyday, not just about me, but about life.

what a difference a year makes, and i survived!

Thank You God!

the cost of security

is HIGH.

am contemplating the price of safety. never felt like i want, no, need a car so badly. but even then, buy or rent? when is it too dangerous, when is it too expensive?

decisions.... please give me wisdom.

Blessings in Big Packages

It's been a long time. There is so much that this blog has missed out on, and a lot left unthanked for.

Today was a good day.

Thank You God for a great church with sound preaching and extremely nice people. Spent the afternoon with Patrick, Naomi, Lucy and Zachary. They're so kind to invite me for dinner every Sunday.... Lucy is so adorable, watching the way Naomi interacts with the children is so inspiring, and Zach, well, he's so tiny and cuddly (for that, i'll forgive him for belching milk onto my sleeve).

Thank You for teaching me to be content with what I get, and to live within my means.

Thank You for a job and the pleasant people I work with.

Thank You for sustaining me week after week despite my slacking off. Thank You for the reminders every Sunday.

Thank You, for seeing us through 8 years and the testimony of Your grace.

Thank You, for numberless blessings, in big fat packages that I cannot miss.

closing moments of 2008

year-end service has always been special. The closing moments of the year, spent in church, provides an excellent opportunity to reflect on the past year and think about the next year. It is also one of the few times in a year that the church truly feels like a big family- one that can share openly even about rather personal stuff, and the blessings and trials of the year. 

It is pitch dark outside, and the windows reflect clearly the faces of everyone seated inside.

I'm a little disappointed this year. the message was wayyy too long (and i still dun get where the 3 Cs fit in lehhhh... i asked jiahui a million times during the msg...) but anyway, there just wasn't a lot of time for testimony, which is usually the very heart-warming bit that makes this service so special. there was like a big rush to finish the whole service by 10pm sharp. the chinese service had about one eighth of the people and they ended much later. 

I wanted to share, but of cos i was a bit too scared and by the time i found the courage, after taking a short toilet break, there was no more time. there probably won't be a next time. not soon anyway. 

I honestly don't know when I'd be able to experience this again, but may I never forget this 'family' that He has provided in Him. I don't remember any other form of countdown my entire life, other than the kind sharing stupid jokes with the aunties like 'see you next year'.... :) 

Blessed new year!

moving on

is never easy.

but finding out that people and things have moved on, sans toi, is worse.

my sentiments exactly. been back about 4 days now, and things have just been moving ahead at full-steam. at home, it feels that there's no more space for me or my things; in school, i've been fumbling around, feeling lost and incredibly dumb every single class i've attended; friends, well, i'm still finding out (but it was nice to see familiar faces again - deb, luyi, bren, sj, yinglu, etc etc).

took a walk to lot one (yeah i now walk when i'm not in a hurry because it's actually quite near- new perspective. heh), and it has been transformed. felt a little uneasy squeezing with the ungracious crowds on the trains in the morning, and hearing an unfamiliar voice over the PA system. instinctively jaywalked across the entrance to the central and got stared at. stood on the right of the escalators instead. realised that i could no longer get around with just a few dollars in my wallet. decided that i wasn't ready to play for service this sunday- i don't want another shock when i find out that more things have changed.

the pace has been relentless. there's no time for jetlag. my 7 hour sleeps are no longer to be, and i've to stop being a tourist- there are now responsibilities and gardens to tend to.

it's nobody's fault- just the nature of life.
we're all just going down a river. a river called time. and i'm just trying to get back into the flow of things.

home

i'm home.


there's so much to be thankful for. getting out of heathrow was a nightmare, but yes, God did answer my prayer to let 32kg of baggage through. exactly 32kg, the lady didn't allow a single kg more. thank God for kelvin and lingli, i dunno what i would have done without them really. now i still have a bag sitting somewhere in their apt. oh no :(


totally missed church today. tho the reason why i decided to leave on sat morning and arrive on sun morning was so that i could go to church. i shouldn't have rushed and left on sat evening instead, bleah. totally slept through, tho ren claims that she tried to call me up. i honestly don't remember a thing. was i that tired? heh.

a day of homesickness

this morning, i woke up homesick. i had a really strange dream about my family, where joel was actually 5 years old, and i hadn't been home for 4 years or something. the rest of the family was intact, except that joel wasn't really joel, he/she was joelle, and she was a 5 year old genius. i remember she came crawling (i dun know why she's still crawling at 5!) to me, but spoke in perfect english, asking if i was carol jie-jie. i was really surprised that she knew i even existed was quite affectionate. in reality, i really dun think joel (who's about 1.5 years) will have any idea as to who i am and he'll prob cry (or cen prob run away now) if i try to get too close. i think it's time to go home, because people grow up/older and things change.

i try not to feel homesick and head to work. i dunno how the week has passed and it's friday again. the office is exceptionally quiet - lots of pple are on summer holiday this week. met ben koh for lunch and talked about singapore again, and school and the usual. it's been a long time since i've thought about smu, and i'm not sure if i'll be able to cope next term.

the highlight of my day was my mid-term appraisal. again, i can't believe 5 weeks has eclipsed and i'm halfway through my stint. it was a good appraisal, which went much better than i had anticipated, and left me realising that things could turn out in the next few months that would take me away from home again in the not so distant future. i ponder a bit about this prospect but i really have to seek God's will because i had never planned for any of this to happen.

the appraisal also gave me a sense of finality, and i felt that my time left here is quite short, so i went shopping after work. by the way most people left by 6pm, it was nearly a ghost-town. got to my favourite store at knightsbridge and bought stuff for the pple at work. the kind to give pple in appreciation of their kindness on my last day kinda thing, you know. i felt almost as if i was leaving next week.

came back to have 'lak cheong and egg' cooked by my housemate, and i thought of my ah gong, cos he's almost the only person i remember who cooks 'lak cheong'. i wonder how he's doing now? chatted for quite a bit about the singaporean education system and whole bias towards overseas grads thing. who knows, our conversation might get featured in the papers back home.

when i stepped into my room, there was a postcard sitting on my table - all the way from good ol' singapore, sent by good ol' luyi. (thanks so much babe! yup it's super cute but i dun get that spanish connection at all! anyway, please take a rest after all that crazy euro-tripping and help me with school prep etc! hee hee :p)

i almost felt like taking out my luggage to start packing, but that will be a little too early, ain't it?
i think i shall just go to sleep and try and dream about home more. but wake up tomorrow and head to cambridge instead. i need to start touristing around UK, because i'm heading home soon...

growing up

as i was cycling home from the beach today, a random thought hit me.

you know people always say that it's way better to be a student, i think it's only half true. ok, maybe two thirds. it's great to be a student in singapore, living at home and having almost nothing else except school to worry about. but i think for myraids of other 'less fortunate' students, it gets tough having to juggle other regular daily activities on top of school work, which usually doesn't become a problem until high-stress periods in school hits, and all the deadlines and exams start crashing down on you. i guess it's especially true in Scandinavia, and perhaps most of europe, where the youths typically move out of home at 18, and to support themselves through school. (of cos, school fees are fully subsidised, and there are living allowances granted by the govt - here in denmark at least- but the cost of living is so high most students have at least a couple of other jobs) . i think it's under such circumstances that one truly learns to be independent.

for me, these 2 weeks are marked with exams. it's probably my fault that i've got all my priorities jumbled up and haven't been consistent all sememter that's forcing me to play catch up, and at a very rapid pace. that's not exactly new to me, but what's new is that when it matters, i cannot fully give myself to absorbing whatever i need. daily routines that cooking and washing still have to be done; i've been going out to the embassy and post office again during my 72 hour exam; there are so many administrative things to settle in preparation for another phase of life in another country; and trips to plan, yes, priorities all mixed up again. Thank God that i've finally secured accomodation in London, so Hyde Park won't be my home; I've finally submitted all the documents i need to set up a bank account; and on tues, hopefully i'll be able to obtain an entry clearance visa.

at some stage in life, one really has to take charge of his own life. How you want to live your life becomes very much an individual choice - how sociable you want to be, how involved you want to be in things, how thrifty you need to be. You don't really have to answer to any physical being anymore, and in the same way, no other physical being can be there all the time to prompt you and help bear the consequences of your action/inaction. sure, it helps knowing that there's a God who will guide and direct the path ahead, but there's always that element of human responsibility. circumstances change over time; people and their role in your life change and fade away too. at some point, there's a recognition that you're one person, alone, out there in the world.

i guess my immediate concerns are the 2 exams i have on monday and wednesday, the poland-hungary-austria trip i'll be taking on wed (and the accomodations I've not booked), and then we'll take it again from there.

ok i just realised how stupid and shallow all that sound.

but it's so scary to realise what growing up really means. I'm gonna hide in my student shell for the rest of the night...