i'm exhausted. drained mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
but just when i feel like breaking, a new wave of enthusiasm, zeal, resolve and even encouragement sweeps over. it's God's way of telling me to press on and continue... there are no breaks in service, but please just let me stop and breathe.
just when i was feeling so stressed over fcm camp, realising suddenly how much responsibility i shoulder, and being on the verge of breaking down last night, i am reminded again that the stregth i need so badly will never be found in myself. ironically, attending the meeting this morning being really scared cos i hadn't completed the tasks, and rather disheartened because of fatigue, helped put some things into perspective again. the meeting that i dreaded so much proved to be much needed in helping me complete this last leg of the work for the camp.
ironically (again), just when im feeling so disheartened and sian about yf, a record number of pple turned up for prayer meeting today. and i didn't prepare any devotion. in fact, i wasn't even there for most of it. tried to take a quick nap in the afternoon and i never woke up for a long time. what a rebuke. then, the quality of singing was so good today i couldnt believe my ears. everytime there's a glimmer of hope, i feel all enthusiastic again, but time and time again, i feel like a fool to believe that things are getting better. but today i almost felt that i had sufficient strength to go on for a few more months. and then i think of sports day, and my lack of ideas and time.
emotionally, the internship saga is taking its toll on me. and it's not even a closed case. but its only because i'm trying too hard to settle it all rationally, and my puny, finite brain is not made for handling such mind-boggling stuff. once again, i failed to draw on the limitless supply of strength that has been availed to me.
attended the vigil service last night. it was sobering indeed. i cannot fathom how such a young boy can so maturely face death with such faith and serenity. it never seemed so real to me, even while i was at CCF. those few months are now but a distant memory, and it was just LTB. but this made me wonder how nicholas is doing. i wonder if he managed to go home to his country at all. i think of the photo i had promised to send but never did, and i remember the bravery he displayed. how do you accept your destiny? and how can i take each completed chapter of life for granted? i didn't even know him, only saw him a few times, heard lots from my mum etc, i dunno why i teared. (and all david had to say was 'did you collect them in a bottle since they're so hard to come by?' sheesh) why all the strife when death equalises all men? ok i shant go on lest it becomes too morbid.
run with patience. that truly sounds like a tall order. hupomone. endurance. but actually i think the harder part is to run. all i ask is strength for the week.