MAYbe, MAYbe not

it's a trap. busy-ness is self-inflicted, and mundane-ness is a choice. having a fulfilling life is not the same as having a filled life.

the month of may came and went. the past weeks passed in a flurry, as usual. mummy left and came back and i think she's accomplished a lot more than me while i was too busy being busy. i got used to my job, settled into the routine of being out from day to night (and being late for work everyday), rushing around everywhere, tiring myself out, and then suffer from lack of sleep. and then i ask, what on earth am i doing?

some time, some how, you've got to get a grip on your own life. you can't let activities take charge and dictate the flow of life. it's meaningless. in fact, after all the hectic-ness, i don't seem to even remember what was it i've done, and for what.

the last public holiday of the season passed yesterday. it was vesak day. and the day that adrian and carolyn (finally) got married. super awkward day, but it was quite enjoyable overall i guess. weddings are beautiful affairs, or meant to be. stan wanted to use the BC/AD thing for emcee-ing, but i told him that it would be more appropriate for me. haha. owellz, it was the wrong crowd for him to unleash his wit on anyway... haiz, missed the opportunity to catch up again, tho he did try to rescue me a few times from my table of more mature adults, most of whom i've never met in my life. (eh i wanted to take a pic but u left so fast- to track the weight thing you know...)

just like that, friday came and went as well. i think singaporeans can no longer live sans their phones, without feeling uncomfortable. my phone chose to die on me even before i got to work today (but after i woke up, thank God- no alarm otherwise!). i was quite anxious the whole time, waiting for kenneth to bring a nokia charger for me (which turned out to be a wrong one anyway...). but alas, when i finally recharged it at night, there were only 4 msges. i should have know that i wasn't that impt! what was i thinking...?

ok actually the only reason why i mentioned kenneth is cos i wanted to introduce the next picture, us at work. this is ken's desk, which he shares with camy. the size of that cubicle is slightly bigger than the one yaosheng and i used to share due the the absence of some annoying cupboards under the table. BUT, things have taken a turn for the better for us. Come monday, we get to shift to a room! wow! with a view and all, i think... (didn't get down to drawing the blinds today so i dunno where its facing yet, but it's a corner room so there are 2 windows!) well, we still have to share it, but at least we dun have to squeeze into 1 puny cubicle anymore... and when im gone, he'll have the whole room to himself. like some towkay! haha.

ok anyway after rambling so much, here's the pic (it was friday, so we're all rather casually dressed)


tomm's another packed day (what's new?) training at some unearthly hour, lunch with yingyi, vel and zhimin, yf, weiqing's 21st at loof (shucks what to wear!?! and the present how, flowers?)

dear mr Sun, please do not burn me again....

to cyprus with love

dear mummy,

please come home soon. save us from this mess.

love, carol

run with patience.

i'm exhausted. drained mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

but just when i feel like breaking, a new wave of enthusiasm, zeal, resolve and even encouragement sweeps over. it's God's way of telling me to press on and continue... there are no breaks in service, but please just let me stop and breathe.

just when i was feeling so stressed over fcm camp, realising suddenly how much responsibility i shoulder, and being on the verge of breaking down last night, i am reminded again that the stregth i need so badly will never be found in myself. ironically, attending the meeting this morning being really scared cos i hadn't completed the tasks, and rather disheartened because of fatigue, helped put some things into perspective again. the meeting that i dreaded so much proved to be much needed in helping me complete this last leg of the work for the camp.

ironically (again), just when im feeling so disheartened and sian about yf, a record number of pple turned up for prayer meeting today. and i didn't prepare any devotion. in fact, i wasn't even there for most of it. tried to take a quick nap in the afternoon and i never woke up for a long time. what a rebuke. then, the quality of singing was so good today i couldnt believe my ears. everytime there's a glimmer of hope, i feel all enthusiastic again, but time and time again, i feel like a fool to believe that things are getting better. but today i almost felt that i had sufficient strength to go on for a few more months. and then i think of sports day, and my lack of ideas and time.

emotionally, the internship saga is taking its toll on me. and it's not even a closed case. but its only because i'm trying too hard to settle it all rationally, and my puny, finite brain is not made for handling such mind-boggling stuff. once again, i failed to draw on the limitless supply of strength that has been availed to me.

attended the vigil service last night. it was sobering indeed. i cannot fathom how such a young boy can so maturely face death with such faith and serenity. it never seemed so real to me, even while i was at CCF. those few months are now but a distant memory, and it was just LTB. but this made me wonder how nicholas is doing. i wonder if he managed to go home to his country at all. i think of the photo i had promised to send but never did, and i remember the bravery he displayed. how do you accept your destiny? and how can i take each completed chapter of life for granted? i didn't even know him, only saw him a few times, heard lots from my mum etc, i dunno why i teared. (and all david had to say was 'did you collect them in a bottle since they're so hard to come by?' sheesh) why all the strife when death equalises all men? ok i shant go on lest it becomes too morbid.

run with patience. that truly sounds like a tall order. hupomone. endurance. but actually i think the harder part is to run. all i ask is strength for the week.

of accidents

imagine getting your finger caught by the car boot, leaving you helpless and screaming for help because you cannot move. imagine no one comes to help you soon enough, because your car is parked in too secluded a lane.

this poor lady was in that exact circumstance, only her screams were heard by zm,ys and i as we strolled back to office from SMU admin bldg during lunch today. i've never seen such a horrific 'freak accident' in my life. her whole finger nail was black, as with the rest of the little finger. and she continued howling in pain for the next minute after zm and ys went to the front of her car to open the boot.

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tuition was cancelled today (yay!) so i went shopping by myself for a short while. (i so wanted to buy that giraffe earrings, argh. i tried to go hunting for giraffe earrings after that, haha.) ok but thats not the story.

decided to buy dinner and walk home- something crazy i do once in a while when 1) i think i have a lot of time, 2) think i can get home faster than the bus can bring me (tho it comes once every 5 mins), 3)i try to psycho myself into thinking that i'm exercising or 4)i refuse to spent that 65cents. haha. my favourite times for doing that is after trng, which makes me even weirder, as if the long painful walk from bishan park to the mrt station under the scorching noonday sun that further exerts the exhausted muscles arent enough.

whatever.

so i decide to walk home today. alas! there was another accident at the junction, this time involving a van and a car. there was an ambulance, but no injured pple around. 2vehicles in the middle of the road (it was a major cross junction, mind you). no police car in sight. 300 had to go straight into the interchange, but got stuck at the traffic light. i overheard some uncles talking about the accident while waiting for the pedestrain light to turn green. as i walked towards the bus, i saw the bus driver's glum face and i was quite happy and amused. haha. cos he's the dude who always drives at 5km/h. and it really gets on my nerves when im in a rush (i.e. all the time). but it wasnt so funny anymore when i walked down a bit more, and another 300 approached the junction and got stuck too. and then another 300 a while later. i thought the police force is supposed to be very efficient? and why cant the accident vehicles just move themselves away since the accident wasnt that serious anyway?!

walking home also reminds me of the time in sec 2 when jan lim made sprint with her all the way back to school from far east to retrieve the cassette recorder (which we lost anyway) just 'cause the bus wasnt fast enough. but we did beat the bus in getting there. haha. as if that wasnt enough, she made us sprint back to far east again cos we 'might as well'. heh. i think we made it back to far east in record time man. in pinafore and tie and all. (or maybe it was day 8 culottes day). ahh, the good of pbl days. haha. i should go find a picture of how silly we looked in lower sec. haha, one of the pictures we took in the library where no one read any book, and which was noisier than a fish market during prep time. i love rgs. haha. made me tha slacker i now am.

ok that was quite random. but things like that break the monotone of work-home-being tired-work-etc.

A Mother's Beatitudes

Blessed is the mother who understands her child, for she shall inherit a kingdom of memories.

Blessed is the mother who knows how to comfort, for she shall possess a child's devotion.

Blessed is the mother who guides by the paths of righteousness, for she shall be proud of her offsprings.

Blessed is the mother who is never shocked, for she shall receive confidence.

Blessed is the mother who teaches respect, for she shall be respected.

Blessed is the mother who emphasizes the good and minimizes the bad, for in like manner the child shall make evaluations.

Blessed is the mother who treats her child as she would be treated, for her home shall be filled with happiness.

Blessed is the mother who answers simply the startling questions, for she shall always be trusted.

Blessed is the mother who as character strong enough to withstand the thoughtless remarks and resentments of the growing child, for again, in due time, she shall be honoured.

Happy mother's day, mummy! i/we love you.

(though you'll never read this...)

nice shot by uncle ting kok! i think flowers make all girls look pretty, but i think my mummy's just pretty anyway.

Thanks 'ren for organising all the gifts and card, love you too for always being the thoughtful (and arty) one!

(and thanks aaron for buying the carnations for us, sorry you didn't have enough money left to buy flowers for your mum after that!)